Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Ever have that dream where you're suddenly in the middle of a lake filled with Bosco chocolate syrup? Usually there is a man in a pork pie hat dressed in lederhosen yelling, "If you don't make the shore there will be no Chocolate Sour Cream Cake!". I always wake up before I make the shore. What does this mean? Will I ever get my cake? Are pork pie hats making a comeback? Who the hell wears lederhosen in the 21st century?
Adrift in a chocolate sea of confusion,
-AW
Dear AW,
I'm so sorry, dear...you've been picking up otherworldly transmissions from my dear departed Great Uncle Schnitzel. We have séances at the office every so often and he always makes an appearance. He is our spirit guide and gives us insight into events that have yet to occur. He is to us what Sylvia Browne is to Montel, but without the long nails, whiskey voice and custom jewelry line. Evidently the view is spectacular from where Uncle Schnitzel sits because he can see great distances into the future. We talked with him just last night and he told us that it is raining in the future.
Uncle Schnitzel died in the infamous Bavarian Chocolate Tsunami of 1921. He had been tending a vat of molten chocolate in the marzipan factory when it exploded and sent billions of gallons of cocoa cascading down the Zugspitze, carrying poor Uncle Schnitzel with it. It wiped out the village below and its victims were forever encased in a chocolatey grave.
Excavation of the site began in 1948. No bodies have yet been unearthed, but archaeologists have reclaimed a number of cuckoo clocks and alpine horns, and what some believe to be a tentacle from a Crawling Eye. In the warm summer months, the chocolate softens enough to permit bathing and fonduing, and a luxurious resort has sprung up around the devastation. In the winter, children skate on the chocolate lake and adults ski down the chocolate slopes. Ancient chocolate morsels from the site are packaged and sold to tourists as tasty souvenirs. It is positively idyllic.
I hope this clears up your confusion, AW. Please stop by some night and I'll introduce you to Uncle Schnitzel!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
Return to the Table of Contents
