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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My third eye is always bloodshot and irritated. Visine doesn't help nor does my usual home remedy of stabbing it with a fork. Also, I think its vision is getting worse but nobody makes third eye glasses!! Help Me! I don't wanna be one of those people with a useless third eye!
Sincerely,
Zombielover
Dear Zombielover,
You poor thing! I've heard from oodles of creatures with a third eye that this is not an easy cross to bear, and I know that it's also very difficult to find an optical insurance plan that covers it. My advice to you would be to immediately stop poking yourself in the eye with a fork. Please understand, I'm not an opthalmologist, but that can't be good for you. It sounds as though you're suffering from "dry eye", which can only be corrected with real, human tears. The good news is that fresh tears are harvested daily from Martha Stewart fans nationwide, flash frozen and flown to our Texas Tear Repository. We'll be happy to ship some to you right away. These authentic, human tears are appropriate for medicinal use and are also great in
Margaritas.
Most living dead entities start out life as humans, and third eyes in humans are rather rare, but because The League is a benevolent organization, we recognize the basic rights of extra-terrestrial and extra-dimensional individuals to live quality lives. We operate a chain of optical centers and we happen to stock a fashionable selection of third-eye frames. In fact, they are our best-sellers! Call 1-800-EYE-SORE for an appointment today!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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