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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm afraid my pet zombie has been abducted by space aliens. I saw them late last night after I finished a pot pie, they landed in the back yard, lasered my dog and broke into the zombie cage.
As much as he struggled, they took Barney away in their spaceship. I tried to use a rake to stop them, but they lasered it out of my hands, and they were really fast on their feet.
But their big heads made them off-balance, probably not used to our gravity and all, so they were easy to push over. I managed to gain entrance into their silvery space ship where I was faced with eight more of them. They lasered me and threw me back out. Then they took off. What should I do?
-Zombiless in Cleveland
Dear Zombiless,
I appreciate your affection for Barney, but you mustn't refer to him as your "pet." We prefer the term "Living Dead Companion" and you are to refer to yourself as his "guardian." The word "pet" signifies ownership and a paternalistic attitude toward an inferior, subservient creature. Semantics aside, this is truly a tragedy.
I'm afraid there's nothing you can do except wait for Barney to return. Let's just hope that the aliens who picked up old Barney are merely experimenting on him and will eventually drop him off in a midwestern corn field. I hate to think of one of our kind in the grips of an acid-bleeder; those scenarios rarely end well.
In the event the aliens do bring him back, he'll be weak and frightened and he will need special care for an indefinite period of time. Until his strength returns, make sure he has access to fresh organ meats on a daily basis. You will need to hunt for him and prepare his meals. While you may initially feel some qualms about killing your fellow man, remember that you are doing this for your beloved Barney. He would do the same for you. Besides, you'll get used to it in no time, and you may find that you and Barney will have an exciting, new hobby that you can share! Nothing warms my heart like a human and his zombie companion hunting together. It actually brings a tear to my eye... *sniff*
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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