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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've been thinking about purchasing a pair of garden gnomes to keep the slugs away from my violets. Is it true that gnomes are effective against garden pests? What are your thoughts?
-Michele
Dear Michele,
I've had two embittered gnomes living in my garden for ages and I'd like to get rid of them. They're short, opinionated and arrogant. Every so often they put on white gloves, creep into my home, and run their gnarled, gnomey fingers across every horizontal surface they can reach. They glower disapprovingly when they find the smallest speck of dust. They gossip about the neighbors and criticize anyone who doesn't share their warped view of reality. I really loathe them, and I'd trade the two of them for a bushel of slugs in a heartbeat.
The problem with gnomes is that they never leave. Like vampires, they must be invited into your home, or, in the case of gnomes, your garden. Once entrenched, they are there for life. I've tried trapping, shooting, stabbing and poisoning them, but they won't die. Granted, the plants thrive in their proximity, but their sour demeanor negates any real benefit you could derive from their presence. Keep the slugs; they're delicious in salads.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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