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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Will I survive the holiday retail season?
....and what should I do about the coal in my stocking?
-Shadow
Dear Shadow,
To answer your first question, it all depends on what you mean by "survive." Will you still be physically alive the first day of the new year? Probably. Will the quality of your life suffer in unimaginable ways, too grim to enumerate here? Most certainly.
Working in the retail field at this time of the year is gruesome, particularly if one is employed at one of the ubiquitous discount megastores. The best you can hope for is to hang on for dear life and pray for calamitous snow storms or sub-zero temperatures that will keep most shoppers at home, spending money online. Generally the only people who venture out into blizzards and killing cold are mothers with newborn babies, and very elderly women with walkers. The exact cause of this phenomenon is unknown, but it has been theorized that it is brought about by hormonal imbalances, transient ischemic attacks and staggeringly low I.Qs. If you are forced to deal with this segment of the population for an extended period of time, you, too, will suffer an irretrievable loss of intelligence. You will, however, still have a pulse.
The coal in your stocking is quite another matter. As you know, the cost of staying warm, and therefore alive, goes up every year, so the coal will probably come in handy when you're unable to pay your heating bills. Rather than succumbing to hypothermia and eventual death at the hands of the greedy utility company who clearly doesn't care whether you live or die, you can burn your little lump in your fireplace. If you sit very close to the heat source, this should keep your fingertips warm for approximately 8 minutes, 11 seconds. Every American should be so lucky to find coal in his or her stocking Christmas morning. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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