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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have always been puzzled by the age old question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"
It is so confusing. After all, you need an egg to hatch to produce a cute little baby chick. On the other hand, you need a chicken on the roost to produce an egg. I seek out your advice since you seem to be in tune with things going on in this universe. Also, in regard to chickens, perhaps you can answer the question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" I know the standard answer "To get to the other side" does not satisfy my curious nature. Could it be that one of those KFC people are chasing it to satisfy the late Colonel Sanders' need to corner America's fast food chicken market? I just do not know. Some people would probably "chicken out" of answering these questions, but you are not one of them. For all of us chicken lovers, we are really looking forward to your response.
-Curious
Dear Curious,
Ah, finally -- an easy question! Ava, the first chicken, crawled whole from the primordial ooze exactly 4.2 million years ago. I can say this with authority because our Chairman of the Board was there to see it happen.
Our revered elder, Methuselah McShane, an Australopithecus anamensis hominid, simultaneously sprang, fully formed, from that soup and he and Ava became fast friends. When Ava was two years old, she began laying eggs. At that time, of course, none of them were fertile, because there were no roosters around to fertilize them. Fortunately, when Ava was three years old, a handsome and virile male chicken named Henry emerged from the swamp, and he fertilized Ava's eggs. For many years, Methuselah, Ava and Henry and their 3,117 offspring prospered in their happy home.
Until...
Early one morning, Methuselah was at the watering hole, brewing coffee and steaming alfalfa sprouts for himself and his feathered "family." Unbeknownst to him, a marauding band of Australopithecus republicanis had overrun the area, wreaking havoc on the peaceful inhabitants of the wetlands, and they attacked and bit poor Methuselah, and stole his coffee and sprouts. There were no formal laws or jails at that time; until that moment there had been no need for them. The assailants left the wetlands in ruins and moved on to terrorize other colonies, leaving in their wake a path of death, cultural annihilation and
coffee-theft. The majority of the culprits were hunted down and interned in bamboo cages, and soon afterward, Methuselah underwent a shocking transformation. He became enraged and bloodthirsty and he vented his fury on the outsiders. He tore apart their cages with his bare hands and devoured the malefactors completely. Methuselah went on a bloody rampage to distant lands, resulting in the utter destruction of most of the morally bankrupt Australopithecus republicanii. Unfortunately, some of them survived by holing up in underground bunkers, and their cowardly descendants still walk the earth today. When Methuselah McShane composed the mission statement for what would later become The League of the Living Dead™, much of it dealt with strategies to eradicate the last vestiges of that hateful species, now known as Homo sapiens republicanis (they're still a few chromosomes away from being completely human).
We have modified our mission somewhat in the long years since the Pliocene epoch, but in every presidential election year, we revive the spirit of Methuselah's original mission and set about destroying all the Republicans we can find.
As for why chickens feel the need to cross roads, I'll let honorary League members Ava and Henry, explain that:
Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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