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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I would very much like to join The League of the Living Dead, but I'm still alive and I don't really want to die to join your union. I just think it would be cool hanging out with zombies, vampires and mummies. Do you offer any honorary memberships to living humans?
-Alive and well
Dear Alive,
We do not now, nor will we ever, offer membership to living humans. The League of the Living Dead exists solely to eradicate humanity from the earth and to ensure that all living dead entities have access to health care, a "living" wage and protection from unfair labor practices and workplace abuses. Our manifesto is as follows:
It is the historic mission of The Living Dead to obliterate The Living. By organizing, we are forming the framework of a Zombitopia.
We at "The League of the Living Dead" recognize that there are two classes in the world: "The Living" and "The Living Dead." The two classes have nothing in common. We have no interest in attempting peaceful coexistence with members of The Living class. There can be no peace while hunger, homelessness and victimization are found among The Living Dead. As long as The Living continue to wantonly destroy members of The Living Dead, the war between these two classes will continue until The Living Dead take possession of the Earth.
The Army of The Living Dead must be organized, not only for daily struggles with The Living, but also to aid in infrastructure reconstruction when The Living class is finally eradicated.
We find that the anti-Living Dead propaganda employed by The Living class makes the task of acquiring basic sustenance increasingly difficult and dangerous. The leaders of The Living class foster a state of paranoia and fear in their own people, thereby pitting them against us.
These conditions can be changed and the interests of The Living Dead class upheld only by an organization formed in such a way that all its members react as one body when one of us is struck down, thus making an injury to one an injury to all.
So, Alive, there you have it. You will not be granted membership to our organization unless, and until, you have expired. This can be easily arranged.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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