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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
The other day, I happened upon a deliciously plump dead body floating in the Monongahela River. My palate started watering, believe you me. And just as I was about to snag the bloated corpse with a stick, I noticed a pipe excreting a garish green toxic sludge into the water. So, naturally, I decided to feast on the dead bloke anyway, but now, my thoughts have become preoccupied with the toxic sludge swishing around in my stomach and intestines. Will this radioactive waste make me decompose faster? Might I develop extraneous body parts that give me super powers, or will this merely add to my ghoulish good looks?
-Contaminated Cannibal
Dear Contaminated,
The League of the Living Dead recently sent a newsletter to all of its members in western Pennsylvania warning of the potentially hazardous toxins in the local rivers, "the Mon" in particular. Evidently you didn't receive it. As you know, the rivers in this area are rife with bloated corpses due to the abundance of drunken boaters on these waters, but one must be extremely vigilant about the proximity of industrial waste and used condoms (choking hazard!). For future reference, you'll find a much better class of corpse in the Allegheny.
I can't completely vouch for the green sludge, but I suspect it may be left over from our picnic at Sandcastle Water Park. My secretary contributed a large vat of homemade Jellied Pus Ambrosia that was to die for! Indeed, the corpse was probably an hors d'oeuvre that got away, as well. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless you begin exhibiting symptoms of liquefactive necrosis or you develop an insatiable craving for Allegheny Whitefish.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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