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Dear Ghoulishbabe,
This girl just moved in next door to me and she came over to my house and wanted to hang out with me. I guess she just saw me when I went for a walk cause I'm the only one she talked to since moving in and me and her got to know each other and now she wants me to come over to her house and have dinner with her and just have a good time. She's so hot and sexy looking, but she's a vampire. I think she has a crush on me and wants me to sleep with her, but what if she kills me or turns me into one of her kind? I'm afraid to turn her down cause she might kill me. Please tell me what can I do?
-Davvick
Dear Davvick,
You are fortunate to have a vampire living next door to you, especially an attractive one who seems to have taken an interest in you. I'm sure you realize now that inviting her into your home was probably a mistake on your part, but live and learn, right? If she decides to bring you over to our side, you should take it as a compliment; in my experience, vampires never transform physically unattractive people. Of course, she may not turn you into a vampire -- she may just drain you of all your blood and leave you for dead. If that is the case, please be assured that your body will not go to waste. Vampires have a contractual obligation to notify The League of the Living Dead when they have killed a human. Other League members will salvage your body and put it to good use as food, functional objects and arts and crafts materials. I have recently taken up crocheting and I've discovered a whole new use for intestines. I made a lovely hat last week that keeps my head warm and can also serve as a tasty and nutritious snack in a pinch! It's absolutely fabulous!
Sorry, I got carried away there; you know how it is with a new hobby. Back to your dilemma. One way or another, you will die at the hands of this creature. Will you become a vampire yourself or will you become carrion for zombies? It's impossible to say right now; we must wait and see. Either way, your life will not have been wasted. As a vampire, you'll continue your existence, and pay dues to The League. As a corpse, you will provide much-needed nourishment and hours of enjoyment for us. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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