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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've just been kicked-out of my apartment! I'm currently attending Miskatonic University (studying ancient sex rituals
of non-corporeal sub-deities and the subsequent effects on human evolution and soul-displacement), and I was living
with a girl who SAID she loved me! Anyhow, after finding out that I share consciousness with a 5th-dimensional spawn
of Shub-Niggurath (this is why I am in-like-Flynn with all my profs), she freaks out and throws all my stuff out the
window. Should I eat her liver now, or buy flowers?
-Flibturdic Spacey, Esquire
Dear Flibturdic,
I'm a bit confused here. If the sub-deities you're studying are indeed non-corporeal, then how do they have sex?
Never mind - it's just a rhetorical question. I have a sneaking suspicion that this may not be a "real" question;
rather, it is a pathetic and mean-spirited attempt to "stump" Ghoulfriend. Believe me, I'm all too familiar with
stumps - particularly bloody ones. You would do well to remember that, my friend. The title "Esquire"
(so small of you to use that, wouldn't you say?) also leads me to believe that you are a lawyer,
landed gentry or a loser. In the event that you really are a loser, I will do my utmost to return you to a place of
contentment within the warm confines of your mother's basement.
You are currently dwelling in a dark and dangerous Lovecraftian fantasy of monumental proportions, even for a geek.
Get a computer, surf the 'net and find a Star Trek chatroom.
Admit it: your "girlfriend" is really your mother and the "5th dimensional spawn of Shub-Niggurath" is a tubercular,
chain-smoking hooker you picked up outside the comic book store. I'd have thrown you out, too. Take a shower and get
a life.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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