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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've been giving something a lot of thought and I don't know where else to turn. You see....I have this problem. When I'm in front of large groups of people I have a tendency to pull my pants down and show my ass. Now mind you I have a killer ass and I think it needs to be seen. I have this uncontrollable deep yearning to feel the breeze blowing against my buttocks. I have this nightly dream. In the dream I am running backwards through a field of daisies, and the squirrels let go of their nuts and begin clapping in unison as I pass. I start to scream "Keep the change" Then....nevermind I'm getting sidetracked, the issue isn't my big, beautiful hairy ass. The issue is that people always want to grope me when I pop a cheek out. Now I don't mind a few playful squeezes but some really like to sink their teeth in. Is there a way for me to continue giving the fans what they want without losing chunks of my ass each time?
-Hot ass writer from Minnesota
Dear Hot ass,
Nothing engenders tender feelings from the masses quite like a huge ass. Most people, especially nursing mothers and elderly, demented women, find them irresistible and can't refrain from pinching or squeezing them. There's a visceral pleasure that people seem to get by pinching a baby's cheeks or a large, Hairy Man-Ass™. I suspect I'm the only one left on the planet who hasn't seen yours, but I hear it's spectacular and blemish-free. The Board of Directors of The League of the Living Dead has been toying with the idea of advertising on yours, if the space is for rent, that is. Most civilized, educated people know enough to keep their hands off "art" and if you rent out ass-space as a billboard, they may stop fondling it. We feel that your ass is the perfect medium for our splashy, full-color recruitment posters for the Army of the Living Dead and our chain of drive-through Maxillofacial Prosthetics Clinics. Someone will be in touch with you regarding ad rates for one or both cheeks. Until then, stay away from nursing homes and day care centers.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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