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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
Woof! Woof-wah woof, woof wah-wah. Wah-wuf woo wah?? WAHF-WOO! Wah woof-wah woo woo woof wah. Wahfu, weef wah!
Love,
-Bubba, the Black Hound of Arizona
Dear Bubba,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™,
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Bubba,
Wow, you said "weef!" *shudder* In the interest of truth and accuracy, I have not edited your question, so I hope
I won't get into hot water with the FCC or whomever polices content on the internet. Your last sentence was
pretty rough, but I'm counting on the fact that the ignorant bipeds who generally read this column will not know
exactly what your tirade means or understand the expletives with which you have so generously peppered your
query.
Bubba, I have never personally attended a Renaissance Festival, but I've heard enough about them to know that I
don't ever want to. I think it's appalling that someone would steal your food. The fact that your stash of
Greenies also disappeared may attest to the fact that these Rennies do not own toothbrushes. I guess one could
take it as a hopeful sign that the thief understands the need for dental hygiene, but toothbrushes are fairly
cheap and even a Rennie could afford one if he or she searched for spare change on the grounds of the Shire.
It simply doesn't add up and I'm drawn to only one conclusion: I'm afraid you've been the victim of The Malevolent
Renfairy.
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rennies and The League of the Living Dead have teamed up to deal with
your problem. These two organizations may seem like diametrically opposed entities, but they are both deeply
concerned about your welfare and they have agreed to put their philosophical differences aside while they work
on a solution to your dilemma. First off, the SPCR has purchased a year's supply of fresh Greenies so that your
teeth and gums remain healthy and you have a constructive and enjoyable way to fill the long, tedious hours at the
fairgrounds. The LOTLD has agreed to ship this package to you via DedEx, so keep your eyes peeled for the shambling
delivery boy (don't worry, he won't hurt you).
The League intends to infiltrate the fair and you'll be seeing some of them stumbling amongst the patrons next
weekend. They should go unnoticed as they'll likely appear to be mortals who have merely over-imbibed in Mead,
and they won't smell nearly as rotten as the Rennies who typically inhabit the fair. They have been instructed
to bathe in Patchouli before entering the gates.
While the Renfairy is actually just a fat, demented sprite with big hair and delusions of grandeur, mortal humans (and dogs) are incapable of capturing her and rendering her harmless. It is a job best left to the professionals. In the past she has exhibited a fondness for plus-sized camos and as a result, sightings are difficult. Once on the grounds, the League members will be able to sniff her out in short order and trap her. She will then be transported to League headquarters where she will be employed as a laboratory specimen in pain and humiliation experiments.
-Spiffy
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