Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Remedial Serial Killing

Dear Ghoulfriend,
When a tornado ripped through my town several months ago, I lost my extensive cadaver collection. They were tossed about in the wind and landed all over town where they were discovered by the authorities and their "deaths" attributed to the storm. To my knowledge no one died in the tornado but the death toll now stands at 173, the exact number of specimens in my collection!

Now they're all languishing at the morgue while the coroner attempts to identify them. I spent more than twenty years and over $100,000 collecting them from all over the world and I'm desperate to get them back, but something tells me I shouldn't just walk into the morgue to claim them. What should I do?
-Henry


Dear Henry,
It may be difficult, if not impossible, to retrieve your specimens. Human authorities frown upon people who have special collections like yours, and if they determine that you own the cadavers, you may be sentenced to a prison or mental institution. Humans are disproportionately preoccupied with the sanctity of corpses, and they are incapable of understanding the joy your cadavers bring you. I sometimes wonder why mortal lawmakers care more about the preservation of dead flesh than the protection of living members of their own species. Human nature will always be an enigma to me.

As you may know, many morgues are staffed by League members. Some of my people will attempt to liberate the items in your collection, but I cannot guarantee their success. Morgues are often guarded by armed, human sentries, and the sudden, surreptitious removal of 173 bodies may raise a red flag, even among rent-a-cops. Our best bet is to go in, Krispy Kremes in hand, and offer to trade for your cadavers. We'll then replace the corpses with Pittsburgh school board members, and the coroner will never know the difference. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Remedial Serial Killing

Dear Ghoulfriend,
When a tornado ripped through my town several months ago, I lost my extensive cadaver collection. They were tossed about in the wind and landed all over town where they were discovered by the authorities and their "deaths" attributed to the storm. To my knowledge no one died in the tornado but the death toll now stands at 173, the exact number of specimens in my collection!

Now they're all languishing at the morgue while the coroner attempts to identify them. I spent more than twenty years and over $100,000 collecting them from all over the world and I'm desperate to get them back, but something tells me I shouldn't just walk into the morgue to claim them. What should I do?
-Henry


Dear Henry,
It may be difficult, if not impossible, to retrieve your specimens. Human authorities frown upon people who have special collections like yours, and if they determine that you own the cadavers, you may be sentenced to a prison or mental institution. Humans are disproportionately preoccupied with the sanctity of corpses, and they are incapable of understanding the joy your cadavers bring you. I sometimes wonder why mortal lawmakers care more about the preservation of dead flesh than the protection of living members of their own species. Human nature will always be an enigma to me.

As you may know, many morgues are staffed by League members. Some of my people will attempt to liberate the items in your collection, but I cannot guarantee their success. Morgues are often guarded by armed, human sentries, and the sudden, surreptitious removal of 173 bodies may raise a red flag, even among rent-a-cops. Our best bet is to go in, Krispy Kremes in hand, and offer to trade for your cadavers. We'll then replace the corpses with Pittsburgh school board members, and the coroner will never know the difference. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


Return to the Table of Contents