Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Higher Learning

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have recently accepted a position for next fall as the chair of the Ectoplasmic Phenomena department at a small college in New England. I've been corresponding with an instructor from the English department and he has told me some disturbing tales of the townsfolk. It seems I may be walking into a den of the living dead up there, so please tell me how best to prepare myself.
-Howard


Dear Howard,
No preparation is necessary, I can assure you; you will taste delightful even without seasoning or marinade. *wink*

Howard, dear, don't worry about what others may tell you about that quaint little town and the "people" who inhabit the area. You know how small town folk can be. They tend to mistrust outsiders who aren't familiar with their rituals and traditions, and their secrecy often gives birth to nasty rumors and wild theories. I don't know precisely what this English instructor has told you, but I can guess. I'm sure he's mentioned human sacrifices, feeding frenzies and multi-tentacled creatures from "beyond the stars." This is preposterous drivel, fueled by an overactive imagination with no meaningful outlet for creative expression. In short, Howard, your pen-pal is a hack. He has ripped his plagiarized fantasies straight from popular fiction to frighten you into declining the offer of employment at this fine institution. The question is: What is his motivation for doing so? I think I can shed some light on this mystery.

From a couple of clues in your letter, I've been able to deduce that this college is, in fact, one of our idyllic S.U.C.S. affiliates. No other accredited college in the northeast has an Ectoplasmic Phenomena department. I also know the name of the English instructor with whom you have corresponded as he is the only male in the department. His name is Percy Vanderhüüsen and he's a wicked, shifty-eyed little man who thrives on enmity. He was hired last fall only because Manny, his first cousin twice removed, and beloved maintenance man in the women's dormitory, made a plea for Percy who was down on his luck at the time, allegedly having lost his small inheritance at the dog track. Serves him right - the dog racing industry is barbaric (as you know, The League cares deeply about all non-human life). Anyway, Percy falsified some documents (graduate degrees and letters of recommendation), and tricked the selection committee into believing he was a tenured professor from Notre Dame. From the moment Percy set foot on campus, he began to wreak havoc within our faculty, pitting friends and colleagues against each other and creating an atmosphere of suspicion and anxiety. Grievances from the faculty were pouring in daily, and several highly respected professors walked out in protest. His students also complained when he flew into a rage while teaching a unit on T.S. Eliot. We hired world renowned private investigator Lourdes Morrison to investigate Percy's activities, and she quickly discovered that "Professor Vanderhüüsen" is the leader of the loathsome cat-hunting cult in Wisconsin that The League of the Living Dead has been feverishly working to thwart. She also unearthed a journal containing his "manifesto." His agenda, it seems, is to worm his way into a leadership position at the college, (which would entitle him to a seat on the Board of Directors of SUCS), and ultimately, to subvert The League from within. Howard, the position he is after is your job. Ectoplasmic Phenomena is the shining star at SUCS, and becoming the head of that department would be a political coup. Although he is not a League member himself, and the title would be largely honorary, he would, at times, be privy to some "union" matters that we would rather keep to ourselves. His knowledge of our inner workings could compromise our security and lead to atrocities in the feline and living dead communities worldwide.

So, you see, Howard, it is imperative that you honor your commitment to us at SUCS. The cats of the world need you, and we need you, too. We will find the appropriate time and place to rid ourselves of the menace that is Percy, but until then, we must find out what other plans he has concocted so that we may make a preemptive strike. See you in September.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Higher Learning

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have recently accepted a position for next fall as the chair of the Ectoplasmic Phenomena department at a small college in New England. I've been corresponding with an instructor from the English department and he has told me some disturbing tales of the townsfolk. It seems I may be walking into a den of the living dead up there, so please tell me how best to prepare myself.
-Howard


Dear Howard,
No preparation is necessary, I can assure you; you will taste delightful even without seasoning or marinade. *wink*

Howard, dear, don't worry about what others may tell you about that quaint little town and the "people" who inhabit the area. You know how small town folk can be. They tend to mistrust outsiders who aren't familiar with their rituals and traditions, and their secrecy often gives birth to nasty rumors and wild theories. I don't know precisely what this English instructor has told you, but I can guess. I'm sure he's mentioned human sacrifices, feeding frenzies and multi-tentacled creatures from "beyond the stars." This is preposterous drivel, fueled by an overactive imagination with no meaningful outlet for creative expression. In short, Howard, your pen-pal is a hack. He has ripped his plagiarized fantasies straight from popular fiction to frighten you into declining the offer of employment at this fine institution. The question is: What is his motivation for doing so? I think I can shed some light on this mystery.

From a couple of clues in your letter, I've been able to deduce that this college is, in fact, one of our idyllic S.U.C.S. affiliates. No other accredited college in the northeast has an Ectoplasmic Phenomena department. I also know the name of the English instructor with whom you have corresponded as he is the only male in the department. His name is Percy Vanderhüüsen and he's a wicked, shifty-eyed little man who thrives on enmity. He was hired last fall only because Manny, his first cousin twice removed, and beloved maintenance man in the women's dormitory, made a plea for Percy who was down on his luck at the time, allegedly having lost his small inheritance at the dog track. Serves him right - the dog racing industry is barbaric (as you know, The League cares deeply about all non-human life). Anyway, Percy falsified some documents (graduate degrees and letters of recommendation), and tricked the selection committee into believing he was a tenured professor from Notre Dame. From the moment Percy set foot on campus, he began to wreak havoc within our faculty, pitting friends and colleagues against each other and creating an atmosphere of suspicion and anxiety. Grievances from the faculty were pouring in daily, and several highly respected professors walked out in protest. His students also complained when he flew into a rage while teaching a unit on T.S. Eliot. We hired world renowned private investigator Lourdes Morrison to investigate Percy's activities, and she quickly discovered that "Professor Vanderhüüsen" is the leader of the loathsome cat-hunting cult in Wisconsin that The League of the Living Dead has been feverishly working to thwart. She also unearthed a journal containing his "manifesto." His agenda, it seems, is to worm his way into a leadership position at the college, (which would entitle him to a seat on the Board of Directors of SUCS), and ultimately, to subvert The League from within. Howard, the position he is after is your job. Ectoplasmic Phenomena is the shining star at SUCS, and becoming the head of that department would be a political coup. Although he is not a League member himself, and the title would be largely honorary, he would, at times, be privy to some "union" matters that we would rather keep to ourselves. His knowledge of our inner workings could compromise our security and lead to atrocities in the feline and living dead communities worldwide.

So, you see, Howard, it is imperative that you honor your commitment to us at SUCS. The cats of the world need you, and we need you, too. We will find the appropriate time and place to rid ourselves of the menace that is Percy, but until then, we must find out what other plans he has concocted so that we may make a preemptive strike. See you in September.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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