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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I need some advice. I have a new manager at work. He's not a terrible person but he takes too long to get us out of there at the end of the night and always mispronounces people's names, including my own. The question is: should I tear his tongue out or not? I could really use some help here.
Your pal,
-Mason Voorhees
Dear Mason,
As you probably know, Anubis himself personally called me to the "ministry" of helping others cope with life's little tragedies and setting them on constructive and fulfilling paths to the future. Before that, however, I had numerous low-paying menial jobs that tried my patience and were dissatisfying in the extreme. Several times I found myself at the mercy of incompetent, micromanaging supervisors who regarded their employees as little more than indentured servants. One manager could not remember any of our names, and referred to me only as "Miss Uh-uh-uh." It was insulting and demeaning. As it happened, most of the employees were living dead entities of one kind or another. This clueless manager was assigning vampires the daylight shift (many conscientious vampires were lost on that job), and we zombies were expected to stock shelves at night (zombies should never do heavy lifting of any kind - a couple of stock-boys actually pulled off their arms picking up heavy boxes!). The working environment was unsafe for everyone and we finally decided we'd had enough. One evening we descended upon his office to demand higher wages and more humane treatment, and to educate him on the special physical needs of his employees, but he was incapable of understanding. So we ate him.
Since you admit that your boss is not a terrible person, you don't necessarily have to eat him (though I would). Tearing out his tongue is a good idea, but it may not be enough. Instead of punching a time card or signing in on a sheet of paper, each employee should have his or her own white-hot branding iron ready at the start of every shift. "Sign in" on his skin every day and I guarantee that his ability to pronounce your names will dramatically improve. He'll probably perform all of his tasks more efficiently and you'll finally get to go home on time!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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