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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I am an ape. I mean literally; I am a 42 year-old silver back, originally from the lovely forests of South Africa. Indeed, I can predict you presently asking yourself "Heavens! How can it be that a non-human primate, albeit one of majestic philosophy and extreme fertility, be herewith communicating to me in this digital venue of the space-age?" Please, lovely blonde (living-dead) human, allow me to explain. Some 20 years ago I took it upon myself to secretly evacuate a government facility located in New Mexico. At this bleak den of science and pain,¾work was being conducted towards the purpose of evolving the mental capabilities of various forms of animal life. As should be apparent to you, the attempt was successful, at least in my case. However, life at the facility was quite unpleasant. Since leaving (escaping), I've been working at various jobs where my physical form is less likely to draw unwanted attention; pizza-parlor cook, Pep Boy mechanic, local anchorman for small southern TV stations, and for a time I was making excellent money sparring with Mike Tyson. My question for you is as follows; Should I run for president? Before answering I must warn you, I would only consider running as an independent.
-Vladimir Rizzo-Rucker
Dear Vladimir,
I am honored that one so intelligent, resourceful and sensitive would look to me for guidance, but I must inform you that The League of the Living Dead has already endorsed Bub as our candidate. After all, he IS one of us! In 1928, Herbert Hoover promised "a chicken in every pot"; there's no need to guess what Bub will provide us. We at The League are very excited about his Presidency and we wouldn't like to see the election polluted with too many candidates. Although "League" members are generally removed from the voting rosters after mortal death, there are no laws that prevent us from running for office. We do our part by campaigning - placing signs on roadsides and abandoned buildings, handing out leaflets in the Wal-Mart parking lot and eating registered voters of the opposing party. While I commend your pluck, and I'm certain you would make a fine president, this election is simply too important to risk a third-party candidate siphoning off the votes (besides which, presidential candidates must be born in this country, and that alone disqualifies you - maybe you can run for governor of California in the next election). We MUST have a voice in this government. Our kind have been oppressed and persecuted for far too long and frankly, we are tired of it. All we want is to make a decent "living" and be left alone. We are not the only predators out there, yet we are constantly being rounded up and shot down. ENOUGH! With Bub in office, peace and prosperity will reign! Perhaps you'd be willing to join our efforts to get him elected. I'm quite sure environmental policies will change for the better with a Bub presidency, so you'll have freedom and room to roam as never before. You've shown remarkable talent in the past for creative activism and I'll bet your loyalty will be rewarded with a cushy cabinet position as Secretary of the Interior.
Love
Ghoulfriend
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