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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My recent appointment as the Commander of the Army of the Living Dead required that I move to the Washington, D.C. area. The problem that I am having deals with stalking fresh food. It seems that every time that I make a kill around here, it is either a lawyer or a politician. The good thing is that nobody cares if you kill a lawyer or politician, but they taste absolutely awful! Is there some way to tell by looking at a person that they are a lawyer or politician? If not, can you recommend some sort of marinade to reduce the awful "lawyer taste"?
V/R
General "White Eyes" Wallis
My Dear General Wallis,
How kind of you to write to me! I am extremely proud and honored that you would come to me for advice and I will do my best to solve your culinary dilemma. As you've unfortunately come to discover, almost no one in Washington, D.C. tastes good. The place is crawling with bad "food" from all over the country. Despite the size of the city, it's a very difficult place to find a good meal unless you have a wide variety of condiments at your disposal. This is where I can help. Because you are in command of our armed forces, it will be my pleasure to send you a package filled with my favorite herbs, spices and sauces, and instructions in their use.
Humans taste different based on various factors in their environments, the regions in which they live and their personalities. For example, when eating anyone from Pittsburgh, regardless of age, gender, race, color, creed, religion, political persuasion or national origin, only Heinz condiments are appropriate. Please be forewarned, though, that no matter how hungry you get, you must never attempt to eat lawyers. They may look human, but they are fundamentally different at the molecular level. Their bodies are infused with deadly toxins and are completely inedible. You may do irreparable damage to yourself if you try. Your nose will tell you if it's a lawyer: they reek of bad karma, and as purveyors of karmic paybacks, we are intimately acquainted with that odor. Your best bet is to stick to interns and some lobbyists and limit yourself to only a few politicians each week. Some politicians, depending on their political persuasions, actually taste fairly good without too much doctoring of the meat. However, some of them have a bitter, gamey aftertaste and the meat may be tough. That's when condiments and marinades come in handy. Foreign dignitaries are a nice, exotic treat, and hunting them is a cinch. Just look for diplomatic license plates, usually attached to illegally parked cars, and you'll bag yourself a great meal!
By the way, how is the hunt for Cupid coming along? I heard on ZNN that you were closing in on him -- can it be true? I sincerely hope you'll be able to catch and kill him before February or he'll no doubt go on another rampage, spewing his hateful, insipid, angst-inducing manifesto. When you do get him -- and I have the utmost faith that you will -- please save a piece of him for me. I have a lovely pink lace doily on which I'd like to mount his face.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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