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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My home is inundated by the bones of all the people my husband has eaten over the last few months. He's a slob and I'm sick of picking up after him all the time, and as a result, there are bones up to the rafters. It seems like a waste to throw them away, but what else can I do with them?
-Bone tired
Dear Boney,
Bones are the least of your worries. You really must train your husband to clean up his own mess. I'm sure you already know that you're enabling his slovenliness, and your unwillingness to stand up for yourself is what is making your life much harder than it has to be. At some point, you may want to seek marriage counseling if you feel that you can't broach these issues on your own. However, since you're up to your neck in bones at the moment, I can offer some suggestions for their use, aside from merely decorating the landfill.
I would hope that your husband made use of the marrow, and didn't simply waste it. Bone marrow is a wonderful condiment with certain foods and it's great all by itself, as a quick snack. Old bone marrow crumbles and becomes useless, however, so if you haven't already eaten it, it's probably too late now. Just try to remember this in the future.
Old bones (sans marrow) can make wonderful home and personal accessories. I've made some lovely lamps, sculptures, room-dividing screens, beaded curtains (using pinkie-fingers) and jewelry from bones. If you fear that you're not artistic or handy with tools, watch some home improvement shows for inspiration and instructions. My personal favorite is "Trading Faces" on TZN.
I'd like to add one last thing: I showed a colleague your letter and his fear is that your husband is eating people in their entirety and not leaving enough of them to successfully reanimate. It is of vital importance that his prey be allowed the use of their legs, at least one arm and their mouths. We need our kind hunting and on their feet so that they are able to "live" unassisted and pay dues. Thanks to all those gun-toting wackos indiscriminately shooting off the limbs of our people, we've got enough on the dole as it is.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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