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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My dog dug up a human skull in my backyard and I don't know what to do with it. Should I call the police or keep it?
-J.G.
Dear J.G.,
By all means, keep it! The police certainly wouldn't make good use of it, and the original owner appears to be finished with it. There are dozens - no - hundreds of creative uses for skulls! Please permit me to tutor you in the fine art of bone sculpture.
Bone is a wonderful medium because it lends itself to both additive and subtractive sculptural techniques. If you're at all adept at whittling, you can carve yourself some nice jewelry or buttons out of teeth or small fragments of flat bones. You may need a Dremel tool or something similar if the bones are particularly dense. Be careful though: bones decayed by age or osteoporosis require a gentle touch and should never be drilled or carved by a machine.
Find yourself another skull and cut the tops off both. String the tops together to make a dandy brassiere (these bras can also serve as rudimentary armor when there's a passel of armed rednecks chasing you)! Skulls obviously make great bowls, vases, lamp shades, hood ornaments and purely decorative, non-functional "objets d'art," to name but a few uses. If you wish to decorate the skull in some way, I recommend J.B. Weld for affixing other objects to it.
If you're lucky enough to find a rib cage, they make splendid chandeliers. Encourage your dog to keep digging!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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