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Dear Ghoulfriend,
Recently I ate at one of them crazy, new-fangled places that substitutes meat with Tofu. It really fooled me. I was worried that the one thing that didn't "taste like chicken" was something that was supposed to be chicken. Anyways, I was wondering, since I didn't really eat meat, when I poop, will it be fake too?
Signed,
-Splend I. Ferris
Dear Splend,
Ah - the joys of bean turd! I can assure you, my dear Splend, there is absolutely nothing "fake" about it - it is human dung in its purest form. It also happens to be the finest sculpting medium one can find and you should make every attempt to produce it on a daily basis. More often, if possible.
Not all zombies can appreciate this medium, but because I am also an artist, I love working with it. It is moist and pliable and easy to manipulate. The bean turd has a perfect consistency for making jewelry; it lends itself well to highly detailed surface texture. When finished, I bake it in the toaster oven just as one would do with Sculpey.
I began making bean turd sculptures and mixed media artwork after viewing an art exhibit that featured Chris Ofili, the British-born Nigerian artist who incorporates elephant dung in his oil paintings and whose work created such a "stink" at the Brooklyn Museum several years ago. Of course, I prefer to work in blood, bone and skin in addition to the bean turd, but to each his own.
The real beauty of veggie/vegan offal is that it emits no unpleasant odor because it contains no animal protein. It's easily preserved and one can varnish or paint it, or, as I like to do, burnish it to a high sheen. Who says you can't polish a turd?
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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