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Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have to disagree with your advice on bean turd or Topu™ as we call it on Stinky Island, NY. I too recently ate at one of those new fangled restaurants with my brother-in-law who was visiting from Kissimmee. After dinner, on the way home in the car, in an artistic frenzy, 'released' a Topu™ cloud (I know because it wasn't my wife or me). He now points to your article as proof that he could not possibly be responsible for this ethereal art form. Well, animal protein or not, the Topu definitely lived up to its name. Unfortunately the child locks on the windows prevented any relief whatsoever.

My question is: How do I make him understand that this behavior is unacceptable - especially in small enclosed spaces - and that he should just admit his contribution to global warming?
Signed,
-Cy A. Notic


Dear Cy,
Your poor, darling brother-in-law should not take the blame for noxious emissions that are probably coming from your car's catalytic converter. You may want to take it to your mechanic for a checkup. On the off chance that your brother-in-law did produce the cloud of Topu™, it is probably due to previous carnivorous meals that were still languishing, undigested, in his colon. Poor fellow.

I understand full well that the human olfactory organ is not nearly as well-developed as it is in the living dead. For instance, if you were to visit a garbage dump, you would probably find the stench unbearably putrid. We, on the other hand, are capable of discerning even minute variations in the stages of decay and differentiating them from other, non-meat aromas.

You must think of the scents of life as a symphony. When you listen to an orchestra, you don't hear just one big sound, do you? You can clearly pick out the trombones, oboes, violins, etc. Life for us is like a symphony of olfactory sensation and this is why bean turd is not at all offensive. We can detect even the scent of the sunlight, the rain and the earth that produced the soy beans required to make the tofu and subsequent Topu™. And while I have no need for vegetables, the aroma of soil and rotting vegetation reminds me of a lovely evening in the country when I dined on my most recent stalker. The smell of sweat and fear on his skin, the sound of corn stalks crunching under my feet, the taste of his blood, the last moonlit glint in his eyes, the firmness of his flesh - it's a sweet memory. I do love the country - it's so exhilarating - it makes me feel almost alive!

But I digress. Because you are human, you will require extensive training in sensory experience comprehension and appreciation. Please stop by one of our offices for a brief seminar and "initiation." And please bring your brother-in-law. We need more artists!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Arts & Crafts

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have to disagree with your advice on bean turd or Topu™ as we call it on Stinky Island, NY. I too recently ate at one of those new fangled restaurants with my brother-in-law who was visiting from Kissimmee. After dinner, on the way home in the car, in an artistic frenzy, 'released' a Topu™ cloud (I know because it wasn't my wife or me). He now points to your article as proof that he could not possibly be responsible for this ethereal art form. Well, animal protein or not, the Topu definitely lived up to its name. Unfortunately the child locks on the windows prevented any relief whatsoever.

My question is: How do I make him understand that this behavior is unacceptable - especially in small enclosed spaces - and that he should just admit his contribution to global warming?
Signed,
-Cy A. Notic


Dear Cy,
Your poor, darling brother-in-law should not take the blame for noxious emissions that are probably coming from your car's catalytic converter. You may want to take it to your mechanic for a checkup. On the off chance that your brother-in-law did produce the cloud of Topu™, it is probably due to previous carnivorous meals that were still languishing, undigested, in his colon. Poor fellow.

I understand full well that the human olfactory organ is not nearly as well-developed as it is in the living dead. For instance, if you were to visit a garbage dump, you would probably find the stench unbearably putrid. We, on the other hand, are capable of discerning even minute variations in the stages of decay and differentiating them from other, non-meat aromas.

You must think of the scents of life as a symphony. When you listen to an orchestra, you don't hear just one big sound, do you? You can clearly pick out the trombones, oboes, violins, etc. Life for us is like a symphony of olfactory sensation and this is why bean turd is not at all offensive. We can detect even the scent of the sunlight, the rain and the earth that produced the soy beans required to make the tofu and subsequent Topu™. And while I have no need for vegetables, the aroma of soil and rotting vegetation reminds me of a lovely evening in the country when I dined on my most recent stalker. The smell of sweat and fear on his skin, the sound of corn stalks crunching under my feet, the taste of his blood, the last moonlit glint in his eyes, the firmness of his flesh - it's a sweet memory. I do love the country - it's so exhilarating - it makes me feel almost alive!

But I digress. Because you are human, you will require extensive training in sensory experience comprehension and appreciation. Please stop by one of our offices for a brief seminar and "initiation." And please bring your brother-in-law. We need more artists!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Arts & Crafts

Return to the Table of Contents