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Dear Ghoulfriend,
In the film Plan 9 from Outer Space, the character played by Bela Lugosi is referred to as the "Dead Old Man" once he dies and is turned into a Zombie. I was always puzzled by this reference. It is true that he was old when he died but once he turns into a zombie does he not stop aging? How can he be dead and old at the same time. Once people die and become zombies do they continue to age? Could you please shed some light on this puzzling Zombie question regarding aging.
-Disoriented in D.C.
Dear Disoriented,
Becoming a zombie does stop the traditional aging process, though if we're not very careful, we can still decay at an alarming rate. (See my previous columns for tips on staying fresh.)
If one is old when one becomes a zombie, one is still old. If one is young, one stays relatively young-looking. The number of years one spends traipsing around the planet can qualify a zombie as "old", even if their chronological pre-living-death age was not old, and they appear to be young. If an old person dies and fails to reanimate after death, then he or she is merely dead and no longer old. You follow? In my extensive travels, I've seen some geezers reanimate and they were nowhere near as spry as I was when I joined The League of the Living Dead™. Joints deteriorate with age and living death does nothing to alleviate that problem; it only speeds the decay. Generally, the elderly don't make very good zombies and they tend to go south pretty quickly, and I don't mean to Miami Beach. The important thing to remember, dear, is that Plan 9 was a movie, and it bears no resemblance to reality, whatsoever. Please refrain from watching Ed Wood's films in the future; they are far too multi-layered and cerebral for literal interpretation.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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