Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

The Clueless

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I was watching the documentary Night of the Living Dead, in which you appeared, and I couldn't help but noticing that your dad was a schmuck and your mom was a babe. Now, I consider myself a somewhat good looking fella, and I am pretty charming as well. However, I am wondering how do I get a beautiful and caring woman to wed me? Are those types of women attracted only to schmucks?

Also, I think you should host a dating show for zombies on TZN entitled "The Loving Dead." Take care.
Yours,
Big Rich


Dear Big Rich,
How long have you lived on this planet? All human women are attracted to schmucks; I'd think you'd know that by now. Clearly, you need a crash course in the dynamics of dysfunctional human relationships. If you're a "really" nice guy, you're destined to live out the rest of your days alone, cuddling with a cat and an inflatable companion (but not at the same time). Perhaps you should consider taking up with one of our union members.

There are scores of undead lovelies who would enjoy taking a stab at a stud like you. They don't care what a man looks like, how much money he makes, or what kind of car he drives. All they really require of a man is that he be warm-blooded and adventurous. It sounds to me like you have an abundance of those qualities, so please contact our Till Death Us Do Part Dating and Take-Out Service today.

I will bring your dating show idea to the attention of the gods of programming at The Zombie Network. They're always on the lookout for original concepts and I'm sure they'll love it. Of course, the living dead prefer dating the living, so we'd need to "recruit" some mortal humans, but that's really quite easy to do given the wonderful pharmaceuticals we have at our disposal these days. Perhaps you'd like to be on the show yourself. If so, please send a head shot (I do loathe that term) and your social security number directly to me at League headquarters.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

The Clueless

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I was watching the documentary Night of the Living Dead, in which you appeared, and I couldn't help but noticing that your dad was a schmuck and your mom was a babe. Now, I consider myself a somewhat good looking fella, and I am pretty charming as well. However, I am wondering how do I get a beautiful and caring woman to wed me? Are those types of women attracted only to schmucks?

Also, I think you should host a dating show for zombies on TZN entitled "The Loving Dead." Take care.
Yours,
Big Rich


Dear Big Rich,
How long have you lived on this planet? All human women are attracted to schmucks; I'd think you'd know that by now. Clearly, you need a crash course in the dynamics of dysfunctional human relationships. If you're a "really" nice guy, you're destined to live out the rest of your days alone, cuddling with a cat and an inflatable companion (but not at the same time). Perhaps you should consider taking up with one of our union members.

There are scores of undead lovelies who would enjoy taking a stab at a stud like you. They don't care what a man looks like, how much money he makes, or what kind of car he drives. All they really require of a man is that he be warm-blooded and adventurous. It sounds to me like you have an abundance of those qualities, so please contact our Till Death Us Do Part Dating and Take-Out Service today.

I will bring your dating show idea to the attention of the gods of programming at The Zombie Network. They're always on the lookout for original concepts and I'm sure they'll love it. Of course, the living dead prefer dating the living, so we'd need to "recruit" some mortal humans, but that's really quite easy to do given the wonderful pharmaceuticals we have at our disposal these days. Perhaps you'd like to be on the show yourself. If so, please send a head shot (I do loathe that term) and your social security number directly to me at League headquarters.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More of The Clueless

Return to the Table of Contents