Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Cryptozoology

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have these pesky neighbors who bark at me every time I'm outside watering my cucumber plant. How can I get a hold of the Grim Reaper?
-Kevin


Dear Kevin,
Your letter wasn't very specific so I don't know if your dilemma is better suited to Spiffy's or to my fields of expertise. We will both try our best to solve your problem for you, without getting Ol' Grimmy involved, if at all possible.

There are several reasons neighbors bark at one another:
a. They are dogs, wolves or sea lions and that is the only means of communication open to them.
b. They are werewolves and it is a full moon.
c. They are fraternity boys lamenting the last dregs of their keg of beer.

If your neighbors are non-human animals, I think it's safe to assume they would be of the domestic canine persuasion. Wolves and sea lions prefer not to live among living, mortal humans, and who can blame them? I have consulted Spiffy on this matter and she believes that your neighbors are barking at you because you are trespassing on their territory. You are to immediately transfer ownership of the cucumber plant and your home and property to them, and move to another state.

Let us now presume, for argument's sake, that you are living next door to a den of werewolves. Your mention of this cucumber plant could be highly significant. If this is one of those magic cucumber plants that only blooms in the moonlight, then this is a no-brainer. Werewolves become highly agitated by the scent of magic cucumber blossoms and watering the plant only increases the intensity of the aroma. Try to water it only during the day and your evenings should be much more peaceful. If that doesn't work, follow Spiffy's advice for the aforementioned "domestic canine scenario."

If you have the dreadful misfortune of living next to Barking Frat Boys™, you will have to call in the Grim Reaper after all. His number is 1-800-DROPDEAD. He's been really busy these days, so you may need to undertake this operation on your own. Please don't feel at all guilty about this. Barking Frat Boys™ rarely accomplish anything worthwhile and they often pursue careers in Republican politics, looking for ways to enrich themselves at the expense of the masses. Their "disappearance" will most likely be viewed as a public service rather than a homicide, and no charges will be filed.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Cryptozoology

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have these pesky neighbors who bark at me every time I'm outside watering my cucumber plant. How can I get a hold of the Grim Reaper?
-Kevin


Dear Kevin,
Your letter wasn't very specific so I don't know if your dilemma is better suited to Spiffy's or to my fields of expertise. We will both try our best to solve your problem for you, without getting Ol' Grimmy involved, if at all possible.

There are several reasons neighbors bark at one another:
a. They are dogs, wolves or sea lions and that is the only means of communication open to them.
b. They are werewolves and it is a full moon.
c. They are fraternity boys lamenting the last dregs of their keg of beer.

If your neighbors are non-human animals, I think it's safe to assume they would be of the domestic canine persuasion. Wolves and sea lions prefer not to live among living, mortal humans, and who can blame them? I have consulted Spiffy on this matter and she believes that your neighbors are barking at you because you are trespassing on their territory. You are to immediately transfer ownership of the cucumber plant and your home and property to them, and move to another state.

Let us now presume, for argument's sake, that you are living next door to a den of werewolves. Your mention of this cucumber plant could be highly significant. If this is one of those magic cucumber plants that only blooms in the moonlight, then this is a no-brainer. Werewolves become highly agitated by the scent of magic cucumber blossoms and watering the plant only increases the intensity of the aroma. Try to water it only during the day and your evenings should be much more peaceful. If that doesn't work, follow Spiffy's advice for the aforementioned "domestic canine scenario."

If you have the dreadful misfortune of living next to Barking Frat Boys™, you will have to call in the Grim Reaper after all. His number is 1-800-DROPDEAD. He's been really busy these days, so you may need to undertake this operation on your own. Please don't feel at all guilty about this. Barking Frat Boys™ rarely accomplish anything worthwhile and they often pursue careers in Republican politics, looking for ways to enrich themselves at the expense of the masses. Their "disappearance" will most likely be viewed as a public service rather than a homicide, and no charges will be filed.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Cryptozoology

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