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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My girlfriend broke up with me and now I'm seeing my best friend's girlfriend (he doesn't know). I think I'm in love with her. Is that okay or do you think it will be a problem?
-A1
Dear A1,
Life among the mortals is always entertaining. Why you go out of your way to complicate your lives is incomprehensible to me, but it's vastly amusing to all of us in The League.
Your best friend's girl, huh? This stuff happens all the time, and here's how we deal with it:
First, you'll have to murder and devour your ex-girlfriend because it's unhealthy to have a living, breathing reminder of the emotional pain she caused you. You will never get over the relationship if you let her live. A nice brisket, perhaps, or a rump roast? You may want to go with the award-winning Beer Can Cadaver from Chef Stevil at Spang's Savory Stiffs in eastern PA. It's a fitting end to a torturous love affair and tastes great, too.
Your best friend will also have to go, of course. Cheating on a significant other is hard work, and trying to remember lies you've told is difficult. Life is stressful enough without adding that to it! Just off the poor slob and your lives will be angst-free. Of course, you and your girlfriend will be equally culpable in these crimes and when the two of you break up (it's inevitable with these rebound romances) you'll have to kill her, too. It may seem a tad distasteful to you now, but when you consider all the money you will save on groceries, I'm sure you'll agree that defensive cannibalism is the only way to go.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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