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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have a problem. My old boyfriend wants to get back together with me but I don't think it's a good idea. I'm not currently involved with anyone else, but I'm not interested in rekindling our former relationship. How can I break it to him gently without hurting him?
-Independent Spirit
Dear Independent Spirit,
Ex lovers always seem to want what they can't have, and if your old flame thinks he can't have you, you'll never get rid of him. You must let him believe that you can't live without him. If that doesn't scare him away, you will be left with only one option: Hurt him.
I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, and for that I admire you. There's no compelling reason to do so; it would be unnecessarily cruel. Intentionally inflicting emotional pain on someone is simply unconscionable. No, dear, you must hurt him physically, until he bleeds, begs for mercy and vows never to darken your doorstep again. This tactic usually does the trick. Of course, there's a small percentage who remain intractable even through the worst physical torture, but mercifully, they usually die of blood loss or strangulation. Either way, you're rid of the problem and you can get on with your life. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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