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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have this thing on my butt and it itches. Is this bad?
Sincerely,
-Lee Matthew
Dear Lee,
The Thing is a wonderful creature and you are indeed fortunate to have it hitching a ride on your butt. Although The Thing is not a member of our union, we recognize and admire its special talents and abilities. The Thing is extremely sensitive to polyester and other synthetic fabrics, so make sure you cover it only in Egyptian cotton or fine silk, otherwise the itching will continue. If that doesn't do the trick, you may need to take it to an allergist or dermatologist to determine exactly what is causing the poor Thing to itch. My guess is that it has an allergy to wheat or dairy products; this is not uncommon in The Thing. Your Thing has evidently found a warm and snuggly home it likes, so it will probably hang around for the rest of your life. I suggest you find yourself a good tailor to custom-make your clothing to accommodate The Thing as it continues to grow and change shape. When it gets large enough, you'll need to purchase two tickets for movie theaters and airlines because you won't be able to fit into one seat anymore. The good news is that you'll never be lonely again and the extra expenses incurred will be well worth having its loving companionship for life. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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