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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I just planted some ribs in the garden and wondered if they'll grow. My neighbor told me she grew pinky toes in a pot on her kitchen windowsill. Is this possible or is she pulling my leg?
-Didi
Dear Didi,
I hardly know where to begin. Unless "ribs" and "pinky toes" are new varietal names for roses or African Violets, I can guarantee they will not grow in the soil in your garden, on your windowsill or in the landfill. If this were the case, graveyards would be bursting with bumper crops every spring.
If you lack other means of procuring "the food," the cultivation of ribs and pinky toes may be done the old fashioned way: In a petri dish. We have had tremendous success raising human tissue in our laboratories and the flavor improves with each new batch. This is an acceptable method of attaining nourishment only if you live in an extremely isolated area where human habitation is scarce. If humans are accessible, you are required by law to hunt, maim, kill and eat them. Living off the land, so to speak, is counter to our mission and vision, and does nothing to further our cause.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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