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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I think that I'm a target of the Illuminati. I have been a follower of Eris for about 11 years now. As of late I feel that I have been targeted for many psychic attacks and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
-Lost in perpetual warfare
Dear Lost,
I presume you are speaking of the current soul-sucking, money-grubbing, war-mongering incarnation of the Illuminati as opposed to the ancient, science-loving, church-hating "enlightened ones." It would seem that Eris and the nouveau-Illuminati have much in common, so I'm not quite clear about why they would feel the need to psychically "attack" you. Perhaps they are simply testing your mental strength before issuing a formal invitation to join forces with them.
Psychic attacks can be tricky things, and one must learn to guard against them. I have been the victim of several failed psychic attacks by the Republican party and let me tell you, they are far more treacherous and frightening than the Illuminati could ever hope to be. Just the other night as I was preparing some nibbles, I experienced a wave of nausea, the cause of which was later discovered to be an attack by a well known, radical-right-wing talk-radio personality. I immediately vomited and then I reached for the Oxycontin that had been in my latest victim's pocket. As I recovered my senses, I realized that my pill-popping reaction was provoked by the dreadful psychic link the fiend had induced. Thankfully, I did not take any of the pills; it would have had devastating consequences for me. Living Dead Entities should never take drugs of any kind. They wreak havoc on our already compromised metabolisms and can lead to instantaneous, permanent death.
After my harrowing brush with oblivion, I came to understand that I am most vulnerable when I am hungry. It is the only time that I find it difficult to think clearly and I find that I can become completely entranced by the prospect of food. My mind is left open to all sorts of evil creatures who may seek to control me. I now try to eat small meals several times daily, and to keep snacks around at all times. If I am unable to immediately procure food, I wear an aluminum Bundt™ pan on my head until I am able to feed. This guards against unsolicited, alien thoughts, and it's stylish, too! Try it and see if it helps you.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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