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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My boyfriend is a "deadbeat." I don't mean he's cheap or he doesn't have money - I mean he collects dead people and beats on them like they're drums. The noise keeps me up all hours of the night and I can't sleep. The smell is getting to me, too. What can I do?
-Sleepy in Seattle
Dear Sleepy,
What a fascinating hobby he has! I've never heard of such a thing, but it merits further study, to be sure. And here I thought I was familiar with all possible uses for corpses! Does he play in a band or is this a solo act? I'd love to hire him for our annual Living Dead Ball. It's quite a to-do and everyone who WAS anyone is there! But I digress...
I understand that you need your beauty sleep, but perhaps you can readjust your schedule to accommodate his musical requirements. True artists should be nurtured and supported. I'm sure he feels hurt that you don't share his passion for corpse percussion.
I do know that as cadavers ripen, they tend to get softer and wetter and the flesh falls away from the bone, much like when you cook a chicken to perfection. It follows that the sound they make changes with various stages of decay and over-ripe bodies probably don't make such pleasing noises. Rather than suffering in silence, you should make it a point to procure fresh corpses for him daily. (This should help with the smell.) When he has finished with them, you can drop them off at a collection box (we have them in most major cities) and we can dispose of the remains (we generally feed carrion to League members who are physically unable to provide for themselves). Who says zombies are inhumane?
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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