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Dear Ghoulfriend,
First and foremost, 'Hello'. This thing is so wacky that I can't believe it's for real. Soooo, in the name of entertainment, I am obsessed with vampires and am searching for the real thing. I mean the whole nine yards: sleep in a coffin, turn into a bat, fangs (real only), can't be killed but by a stake thru the heart, and has lived for several 'hundred' years but appears to be 'ageless'. And (important) once bitten the victim (as per 'tradition') dies and wakes up in the coffin and becomes a vampire too, climbs out of the coffin, sports fangs, turns into a bat and flies about. If the vampire can turn himself or herself into a bit of smoke and appear and disappear at will, and at the snap of a finger, all the better.
So, in the interest of academic and scholastic and demonic research, is there such a thing as a 'real' vampire? (Excluding all the while the psychopathology spectrum of 'humans' who 'think' they are vampires and 'drink' blood thereby - those need not apply.)
Oh, and by the by, I am so glad that watching you as a little girl eating her mom and pop you have developed into something ever so nice.
Best,
Oscar
Dear Oscar,
"Hello" to you, too, and thank you for the compliment! It's so nice to hear from Fans of the Living Dead.
I am dismayed, however, to hear that you are not obsessed with zombies. Vampires are interesting, but rather one-dimensional. They are, of course, members of The League of the Living Dead, but for the most part, we don't mingle with them socially. They tend to be rather selfish; they drain humans of every last drop of blood and leave the flesh to cool and become extremely unpalatable. We prefer warm flesh and we find that vampire-bitten corpses are only suitable for use for our physically disabled members or as emergency rations. As per our contract, vampires are expected to inform League headquarters before killing a human, so that we can have our "people" standing by for warm leftovers. There are, however, a few renegades who choose not to follow the rules and as a result, their bloated, fly-blown cast-offs are not discovered until many days later. (Many of them have become insufferably egocentric snobs since Ms. Rice started writing about them.) Death by tanning bed is the standard penalty for flesh-wasting crimes.
I must admit, though, that shape-shifting is an amazing talent. I do have one very dear vampire friend named Jonathan who is able to turn himself into a handsome Indian Fruit Bat. He frequently flies into town to visit, and it's always a treat to see him - he's such a sweet fellow. I'm sure I can arrange a meeting with him if you so desire. We'd both love to have you!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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