Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Living Dead Entities And The People Who Love Them

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Why do some people have to hurt so much? If life is such a bowl of cherries, why do some people seem to get the pits?

-Sad Sack


Dear Sad Sack,
You're quite right: Life does hurt, and that's why we encourage all humans with terminal illnesses, hang nails, clinical depression and/or acne to become dues-paying League members. It only requires the small sacrifice of a digit, limb or extraneous organ before one sickens, dies and miraculously returns to a far more satisfying existence. Why go through life feeling every miserable little bump in the road when you can experience bliss every moment of every day? This reminds me of the story of one of our recent "recruits."

Minerva was a farm girl from rural Michigan. Having been born with a rather pronounced hump on her back, her social life was non-existent and she feared her fondest wish of being crowned Queen of the Corn Ball would never be fulfilled, despite the fact that she had a pretty face. Her parents kept her hidden in the fruit cellar when relatives from the city would arrive for family reunions and potluck dinners and she wept bitterly in the dank confines of her subterranean prison. She contemplated suicide for many years, but her fundamentalist religion forbade the practice. She sank into an abyss of angst and depression and developed a severe case of agoraphobia. She felt hopelessly trapped; there was no way to live and no way to die.

One cold, drizzly day as she was cleaning leaves out of the gutter on the porch roof, she fell. She fervently prayed that the fall would kill her, but the roof was only ten feet above the ground and she only managed to break a leg. As she ruminated about her useless life from her shabby hospital bed, a man who appeared to be an orderly entered her room. His name was Raul. He was a handsome fellow -- his throat was torn out and he had only one eye -- and yet, she found his appearance somewhat repellant (this would change later). Nevertheless, she allowed him to approach her bedside. He grabbed her and bit her nose right off her face. Of course, she was instantly infected with the Bacteria of the Living Dead™, and quickly died of shock and blood loss. It didn't take her long to reanimate, and Raul was ecstatic. It turns out that he'd always worshipped her from afar, but because he was a League member, he knew that her family would not approve of their union. Minerva fell hopelessly in love with Raul and they now live in the fruit cellar of her parents' house, occasionally roaming the land around the homestead in search of a warm meal. Her parents are gone now, of course - they were eaten by Minerva and Raul on their honeymoon, and Minerva put up some of their "leftovers" in canning jars to last the winter. She's a really good little homemaker, that Minerva.

Anyway, this story is just a way of illustrating my advice: If you're miserable and in pain, let someone kill you. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Living Dead Entities And The People Who Love Them

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Why do some people have to hurt so much? If life is such a bowl of cherries, why do some people seem to get the pits?

-Sad Sack


Dear Sad Sack,
You're quite right: Life does hurt, and that's why we encourage all humans with terminal illnesses, hang nails, clinical depression and/or acne to become dues-paying League members. It only requires the small sacrifice of a digit, limb or extraneous organ before one sickens, dies and miraculously returns to a far more satisfying existence. Why go through life feeling every miserable little bump in the road when you can experience bliss every moment of every day? This reminds me of the story of one of our recent "recruits."

Minerva was a farm girl from rural Michigan. Having been born with a rather pronounced hump on her back, her social life was non-existent and she feared her fondest wish of being crowned Queen of the Corn Ball would never be fulfilled, despite the fact that she had a pretty face. Her parents kept her hidden in the fruit cellar when relatives from the city would arrive for family reunions and potluck dinners and she wept bitterly in the dank confines of her subterranean prison. She contemplated suicide for many years, but her fundamentalist religion forbade the practice. She sank into an abyss of angst and depression and developed a severe case of agoraphobia. She felt hopelessly trapped; there was no way to live and no way to die.

One cold, drizzly day as she was cleaning leaves out of the gutter on the porch roof, she fell. She fervently prayed that the fall would kill her, but the roof was only ten feet above the ground and she only managed to break a leg. As she ruminated about her useless life from her shabby hospital bed, a man who appeared to be an orderly entered her room. His name was Raul. He was a handsome fellow -- his throat was torn out and he had only one eye -- and yet, she found his appearance somewhat repellant (this would change later). Nevertheless, she allowed him to approach her bedside. He grabbed her and bit her nose right off her face. Of course, she was instantly infected with the Bacteria of the Living Dead™, and quickly died of shock and blood loss. It didn't take her long to reanimate, and Raul was ecstatic. It turns out that he'd always worshipped her from afar, but because he was a League member, he knew that her family would not approve of their union. Minerva fell hopelessly in love with Raul and they now live in the fruit cellar of her parents' house, occasionally roaming the land around the homestead in search of a warm meal. Her parents are gone now, of course - they were eaten by Minerva and Raul on their honeymoon, and Minerva put up some of their "leftovers" in canning jars to last the winter. She's a really good little homemaker, that Minerva.

Anyway, this story is just a way of illustrating my advice: If you're miserable and in pain, let someone kill you. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Living Dead Entities And The People Who Love Them

Return to the Table of Contents