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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Living With The Living Dead

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I need some serious help here. About three weeks ago I got ahold of one of those drums full of chemicals they used in "Return of the Living Dead" (won it on eBay, damn good price, only $15.99 + shipping). Well, it arrived a few days ago. I rushed it down to my basement to do some experiments with it (did you know it works on goldfish?...but anyway back to my problem). On the second night I got mad at the drum because it wouldn't work on cockroaches so I kicked it (I know, I know, call me a dummy). Damn thing leaked all over the place.

After I de-contaminated myself and had a nice hot shower, there was a knock at the door. I quickly got dressed and ran to answer it. It was my neighbor's daughter, standing there in a blue dress, holding a half-eaten meatball sandwich in one hand and a spade in the other. She kept saying her name was Karen or Kyra or something like that. Well, she threw the meatball sandwich at me and started chasing me around the living room with the spade, screaming "I hurt", and the little brat stabbed me in the butt. But I got away from her. I ran up to my son's room and locked the door.

Later I looked out the window to see if the coast was clear. I saw the mail man coming down the walkway, whistling to himself, doing his usual happy two-step. Out of nowhere that little brat and four more of my neighbors came creeping up behind him. Man, it looked like a free Chinese buffet for homeless people - clothing, body parts, blood, guts and undelivered mail flying everywhere.

Ten minutes later three more of my zombified neighbors showed up at my door. It only took a few minutes for them to bust it down. Those freakazoids chased me around the house for ten minutes before I made my escape out the back door.

When I made it to the back yard it was like I had entered a different world. It was like half of my neighborhood had changed into those...those things. It was like they were having a pig (or human) roast in my back yard, kinda like a b.b.q. for the living dead. It was creepy. So like any other possible victim would do, I climbed up the old oak tree in my back yard and hid in my son's tree house and I'm still there.

Ok, now for my problem. I'm stuck here in this damn tree house with three CDs ("The Best of Yanni", "Lawrence Welk Does the Best of the Back Street Boys", and "Barney's Songs of the Sixties Sing-along"), two DVDs ("The Power Puff Girls Hit Puberty" and "Night Fifty" ("please don't do it Daddy, please don't") and this crappy laptop my son stole from me (damn dial-up connection). If possible could you run me over some decent CDs and movies, I'm really getting bored up here.
Thanks,
-Evil

P.S. Spiffy, you might want to come along also. My neighbor's poodle has seemed to change also. I guess for a living dead dog she's pretty hot. The only problem I have with her is she keeps burying human femurs in my garden.


Dear Evil,
I hardly know where to begin, but for starters, it isn't very nice to refer to your living dead neighbors as "freakazoids" and "brats". These sorts of epithets will only inflame their desire to murder you in the nastiest way possible. Keep it up and you'll find yourself stuck in that tree until you die of exposure or a gypsy moth infestation. You'd be far better off trying to interest them in another, more structured, activity.

Most people don't realize that zombies enjoy many of the same repetitive, mindless endeavors in whicn they engaged as living humans. Depending on their physical capabilities (intact fingers, limbs, etc.), they can easily be re-trained to perform simple tasks (many postal workers are living dead entities!), provided there's a sufficient food reward to motivate them. As with animal-training and child-rearing, positive reinforcement will be your best course of action.

Many suburban, male zombies seem to fancy endlessly mowing the lawn or washing and waxing the car, and they will work their fingers to the bone for food. Generally their manual dexterity is a tad limited, and you wouldn't necessarily want them creating topiary sculptures from your hedges, but this will vary with each individual. The living dead are not necessarily your enemies, Evil, but you must remember that running from them will trigger the predatory chase response, so it's best to move slowly and deliberately around them.

My advice to you is this: Climb down from that tree and immediately procure a human victim for your neighbors (and some Bosco for that dear little girl!). I would choose the person who bought the "Barney's Songs of the Sixties" CD. Feel free to encourage your neighbors to eat the brain, too; clearly, it is so impaired that it will probably be incapable of reanimation.

It won't take long to acclimate to your new world, Evil, and you may even come to love your neighbors in their new (and improved) form. As long as you keep them well fed and cared for (regular check-ups and dental visits would be a nice thing to do for them), they will work hard for you, and your perfectly manicured lawn will be the envy of all.
Love,
Ghoulfriend

P.S. Spiffy thanks you for thinking of her, but she is not interested in girl dogs, nor is she interested in poodles of either gender; she says they are too high-maintenance. Spiffy is a girl, herself.


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Living With The Living Dead

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I need some serious help here. About three weeks ago I got ahold of one of those drums full of chemicals they used in "Return of the Living Dead" (won it on eBay, damn good price, only $15.99 + shipping). Well, it arrived a few days ago. I rushed it down to my basement to do some experiments with it (did you know it works on goldfish?...but anyway back to my problem). On the second night I got mad at the drum because it wouldn't work on cockroaches so I kicked it (I know, I know, call me a dummy). Damn thing leaked all over the place.

After I de-contaminated myself and had a nice hot shower, there was a knock at the door. I quickly got dressed and ran to answer it. It was my neighbor's daughter, standing there in a blue dress, holding a half-eaten meatball sandwich in one hand and a spade in the other. She kept saying her name was Karen or Kyra or something like that. Well, she threw the meatball sandwich at me and started chasing me around the living room with the spade, screaming "I hurt", and the little brat stabbed me in the butt. But I got away from her. I ran up to my son's room and locked the door.

Later I looked out the window to see if the coast was clear. I saw the mail man coming down the walkway, whistling to himself, doing his usual happy two-step. Out of nowhere that little brat and four more of my neighbors came creeping up behind him. Man, it looked like a free Chinese buffet for homeless people - clothing, body parts, blood, guts and undelivered mail flying everywhere.

Ten minutes later three more of my zombified neighbors showed up at my door. It only took a few minutes for them to bust it down. Those freakazoids chased me around the house for ten minutes before I made my escape out the back door.

When I made it to the back yard it was like I had entered a different world. It was like half of my neighborhood had changed into those...those things. It was like they were having a pig (or human) roast in my back yard, kinda like a b.b.q. for the living dead. It was creepy. So like any other possible victim would do, I climbed up the old oak tree in my back yard and hid in my son's tree house and I'm still there.

Ok, now for my problem. I'm stuck here in this damn tree house with three CDs ("The Best of Yanni", "Lawrence Welk Does the Best of the Back Street Boys", and "Barney's Songs of the Sixties Sing-along"), two DVDs ("The Power Puff Girls Hit Puberty" and "Night Fifty" ("please don't do it Daddy, please don't") and this crappy laptop my son stole from me (damn dial-up connection). If possible could you run me over some decent CDs and movies, I'm really getting bored up here.
Thanks,
-Evil

P.S. Spiffy, you might want to come along also. My neighbor's poodle has seemed to change also. I guess for a living dead dog she's pretty hot. The only problem I have with her is she keeps burying human femurs in my garden.


Dear Evil,
I hardly know where to begin, but for starters, it isn't very nice to refer to your living dead neighbors as "freakazoids" and "brats". These sorts of epithets will only inflame their desire to murder you in the nastiest way possible. Keep it up and you'll find yourself stuck in that tree until you die of exposure or a gypsy moth infestation. You'd be far better off trying to interest them in another, more structured, activity.

Most people don't realize that zombies enjoy many of the same repetitive, mindless endeavors in whicn they engaged as living humans. Depending on their physical capabilities (intact fingers, limbs, etc.), they can easily be re-trained to perform simple tasks (many postal workers are living dead entities!), provided there's a sufficient food reward to motivate them. As with animal-training and child-rearing, positive reinforcement will be your best course of action.

Many suburban, male zombies seem to fancy endlessly mowing the lawn or washing and waxing the car, and they will work their fingers to the bone for food. Generally their manual dexterity is a tad limited, and you wouldn't necessarily want them creating topiary sculptures from your hedges, but this will vary with each individual. The living dead are not necessarily your enemies, Evil, but you must remember that running from them will trigger the predatory chase response, so it's best to move slowly and deliberately around them.

My advice to you is this: Climb down from that tree and immediately procure a human victim for your neighbors (and some Bosco for that dear little girl!). I would choose the person who bought the "Barney's Songs of the Sixties" CD. Feel free to encourage your neighbors to eat the brain, too; clearly, it is so impaired that it will probably be incapable of reanimation.

It won't take long to acclimate to your new world, Evil, and you may even come to love your neighbors in their new (and improved) form. As long as you keep them well fed and cared for (regular check-ups and dental visits would be a nice thing to do for them), they will work hard for you, and your perfectly manicured lawn will be the envy of all.
Love,
Ghoulfriend

P.S. Spiffy thanks you for thinking of her, but she is not interested in girl dogs, nor is she interested in poodles of either gender; she says they are too high-maintenance. Spiffy is a girl, herself.


More Living With The Living Dead

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