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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
How can I stay safe on Halloween? Everytime I go out trick-or-treating, someone steals my bag of candy. I've also heard that there are deadly creatures roaming the earth on that night. Is that true?
-Scared Snickerless
Dear Snickerless,
As you know, Halloween is our most sacred holiday. It is the one night of the year that all League members can be out in force, without fear of detection or molestation by "the food."
By the same token, it is sometimes difficult for us to clearly identify humans because so many of them adopt our mode of dress and mannerisms in honor of the holiday. The copious quantity of makeup employed for their wonderful costumes disguises their scent and we don't dare risk killing and eating what could turn out to be our own members. Woe to those humans wearing only rubber masks, though. We can sniff them out in a heartbeat and it is they on whom we prey that holy night (don't feel bad about that; they are the least imaginative and artistically gifted of your species)! However, it is for the most part, the one night of the year that the creative living and the living dead can generally coexist in perfect harmony.
The League of the Living Dead hosts fabulous soirÚes on Halloween and with so much "food" wandering the countryside, we are able glut ourselves completely and still donate our leftovers for the care and feeding of our elderly and disabled members.
We believe that a life lived in fear is a fate worse than permanent death, and it is precisely that philosophy that inspires us to purge that dreadful anxiety from your life. We want to free you from your horror of candy-thieves and other unsavory characters. Once you join us, you will fear nothing. On Halloween night, simply remain locked in your home, alone and unarmed, with a single green light shining in a downstairs window. The light will serve as a beacon to all League members that the occupant is afraid and vulnerable, and they will liberate you. Rest assured, dear Snickerless, that they will not steal your candy.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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