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Dear Ghoulfriend,
My boyfriend dumped me for another girl. And like, if that's not bad enough, it turns out she's like some demon from another dimension or something. How can I compete with a girl who has 8 heads (all with FRIZZY RED HAIR-UGH!), 14 legs and no conscience? She's not even Catholic. His mom is gonna FREAK when she finds out, but I still want him back. What can I do? Please help me.
-Dumped in Duluth
Dear Dumped,
Please forgive me; I've been dead a long time and they weren't teaching Demonology 101 when I was in school (I only made it to the fourth grade, you know). You say this woman is a demon, but she sounds more like something out of a schlocky Sci-fi movie or a Renaissance Faire. Trust me, sister, you don't want him back after he's been with a creature like that. Here's what you do: kidnap him, take him to a cemetery during the full moon, hit him over the head with a shovel and push him into an open grave. It won't bring him back to you, but you'll feel better, and life is all about feeling good. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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