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Ghoulfriend. Name Gorrmog. I am help Doctor do work in big mansion in dark woods. Him make dead be alive. Him my master and beat me. I dig hole to get dead for him. He not know I now use his email (him beat me if him know). I have question. I am love this dead girl. Doctor want dead girl for work. Doctor maybe make dead girl live (him smart - Gorrmog not smart). Me NOT WANT GIRL LIVE! If dead girl live she not want Gorrmog (me am hunchback, no teeth, no hair - anywhere, have boils on bum, eat rats and smell bad too). If girl dead she can be with Gorrmog - is good, very very good for Gorrmog with girl stay dead! Please, what Gorrmog do? Gorrmog have needs too!
-Gorrmog
Dear Gorrmog,
Please don't put yourself down, dear. You ARE smart; your punctuation is excellent.
Poor, sweet Gorrmog, I just don't know how to tell you this, but I'm afraid that unless you are willing to make some rather drastic changes in your life, your relationship with this dead girl is doomed. If she remains dead, your girlfriend will soon rot away and you'll be left with nothing but a string of sinew, a hank of hair and some lovely memories of passionate evenings in the cemetery. If your employer does indeed plan to bring her back to life, she will require another brain. Her present brain is obviously damaged beyond repair because she failed to reanimate after death. The doctor will implant a different brain into this girl and she will be able to live a normal life again, far away from the mansion and dark woods. If you are unable to live with this scenario, might I suggest applying for "Extreme Makeover" so that you can win her heart (and the rest of her, too). They will remove your hump (you don't store water in there, do you?), fix your teeth, give you a hair transplant and lance the boils (these are the very same procedures my best friend's husband underwent and he's done quite well for himself. He is gainfully employed as a speed bump in the Home Depot parking lot!). Take a quick Berlitz course in the language of your choice and she will no doubt find you irresistible. You'll need some therapy to conquer your low self esteem, but soon you and she will be able to go off to college together and earn degrees in Paleobotany (sorry, that was MY dream - yours may be different).
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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