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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I think a girl in the 3rd grade likes me but after pulling her hair for 3 days, we seem to have come to a communicative stand-still. Is this love?
Signed,
-Griffin von Oz
Dear Griffin,
Hair-pulling in the 3rd grade is obvious courtship behavior. Unfortunately, girls in the 3rd grade view this behavior as sexual harrassment and your "communicative stand-still" is probably the result of her attorney's instruction to have no contact with you, whatsoever. I'm quite certain that you will face criminal charges and have papers served for a civil suit within the week.
I expect the criminal case will be dismissed; you are, after all a minor child and can't really be expected to understand the intricacies and nuances of the criminal code. However, the civil suit is another matter entirely. Your parents will probably lose everything they ever worked for and will be indefinitely confined to a debtors' prison. All of your future wages will be garnished until you reach the age of 42, or until the judgment against you is satisfied, whichever comes first.
Once these matters are settled in court, if you feel that you would still like this girl's attention, try offering her a candy bar. It always worked on me.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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