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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have a big wart in the middle of my nose and even though I've been to a dermatologist who has burned it off, it keeps coming back. Every time it comes back, it's bigger than the last time. Do you have any homeopathic remedies that will get rid of it once and for all?
-M. G.
Dear M. G.,
I don't know where your dermatologist studied, but you clearly don't have a simple wart. From the sound of it, you probably have a minor demon growing on your nose. As you've already discovered, burning it off is only a temporary treatment. In the long run, this "cure" will give the demon more strength and resolve, and it will eventually consume you.
Please make an appointment at one of our clinics. Our physicians are highly trained to recognize and successfully treat all manner of unusual maladies. Our Demotologist, Dr. Wibby, specializes in Demon Wart removal and relocation and has spent many years treating these unsightly (and rather ill-tempered) blemishes on some of the world's most beautiful Living Dead Entities. She is in constant demand in the Living Dead community and in the Demonic Realm. These little demons are parasites, and Dr. Wibby simply transfers them from one organism to another. It's a rather delicate operation as their roots can be quite long and care must be taken not to damage them. She has discovered that they thrive in a medium of acidophilus, hydrogen chloride and peat moss, kept at a constant 60 degrees. These young sprouts are then flash-frozen and shipped back to the Demonic Realm from whence they came.
Depending on the extent of the disfigurement created by the demon removal, the patient will sometimes require reconstructive surgery, but some find that they like the gaping holes in their faces, and leave well enough alone. It's entirely dependent on your personal aesthetic, and, of course, your ability to function normally. Large holes can be repaired with our new Miscible Polymer Blends exclusively at our League-run clinics, while smaller holes can be filled with auto-body putty at the local Jiffy Lube.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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