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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My name is Roger Pace. Congratulations on this great new column. I had a crush on you when I was a kid, you were a kid then too! Well, I suppose you still are a kid - sort of. I am 50 feet tall, and the right side of my face has been ripped-off. I only wear a very large tarp to cover my nether regions. Since I hang around the desert areas of the southwest I tend to get nipple burn, either from the harsh sun down here, or the frequent sand storms. Please help! It probably seems funny to you, but it is painful, and I can't sleep on my stomach.
-Rog
Dear Rog,
I am somewhat insulted by the implication that I would find humor in your pain. Zombies are very sensitive creatures and we are woefully misunderstood. I defy you to find another race of living dead entities as reviled, despised and persecuted as we have been throughout the ages. We suffer unbearably at the hands of mortal humans, yet, as you know, we once walked among them as their living brothers and sisters. We endure torture and dismemberment and finally, either decapitation or a shot to the head, sometimes even in public venues such as that horrifying new "reality" show "Stump the Zombie." Do we deserve this? NO! We only want what everyone else wants and that is basic sustenance and the inalienable right to survive. We utilize none of the Earth's precious natural resources, we don't cheat on our taxes and we don't overpopulate the world. We are morally superior to the mortal humans who wantonly seek our destruction. Daily existence for us is more arduous and brutal than you can possibly imagine; we spend all day - every day - hiding and dodging bullets and rednecks. We actually provide a public health service by scavenging leftovers of others' abandoned kills (if humans would only leave us in peace, we would be able to finish our meals once in a while!), but does anyone thank us for this? These forsaken carcasses would eventually attract a plague of disease-spreading vermin, leading to certain death for all mortal humans, and yet, they still fail to recognize our virtues. They are a short-sighted and selfish lot and I fear there will be no end to the war between us. Our very existence is threatened every moment of every day! Sunburn? Bah! Do everyone a favor, Rog; spare us your whining and buy a bra.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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