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Dear Ghoulfriend,
How is it that zombies get out of their coffins? Wouldn't the six feet of dirt pushing down on them make it impossible?
-Just Curious
Dear J. C.,
Most zombies never come into contact with a coffin; they reanimate long before that. Some who are buried are able to claw their way through the earth either because the funeral home stylists failed to adequately trim their fingernails, or because they were buried with a sharp instrument of some kind. Because zombies have no need for air, we can survive underground for a very long time. As a matter of course, we at The League of the Living Dead conduct routine rescue operations at every cemetery and mausoleum in the world in the event that there is a trapped living dead entity somewhere who requires our assistance. Many of our members are able to operate the heavy machinery needed to extricate our undead brethren. Occasionally, they unearth a human who was buried alive, but, of course, they don't remain alive for very long after their liberation. Premature burial tends to psychologically damage humans far too deeply for them to return to constructive normal lives, and their subsequent deaths should be regarded as mercy killings.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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