Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

It's Nothing Personal

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've noticed that a lot of chicks write to you to complain about their boyfriends or husbands, but I don't see many letters from guys complaining about their girlfriends or wives. Why is that? Anyway, I have a problem. My girlfriend is very possessive. She doesn't like it when I'm out of her sight for even an hour. I used to think it was flattering but now it just gets on my nerves. She doesn't like it when I hang out with some of my female friends, even though they're JUST friends that I've known for a long time. She e-mails me several times daily, phones dozens of times, text messages me continually and gets hysterical when I go out with my friends. She's not happy unless I'm with her twenty-four/seven. What can I do to assure her that I'm not cheating on her but need to be on my own sometimes?
-Smothering


Dear Smothering,
I hope you're not implying that I only respond to letters from women! I reply to each legitimate letter I receive, and I can assure you that, with regard to my column and the task with which I am charged, I treat all humans and non-humans equally. Except for Republicans.

It is possible that women submit more letters of a personal nature because of that whole "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" thing. For the most part, I think it's garbage, but I will concede that men and women communicate differently. Women are socialized to express their feelings while men are taught to hide them so as not to appear "weak." The beauty of this column is that men can feel free to vent their frustrations and innermost secrets and fears in complete anonymity.

Your girlfriend apparently feels inadequate and insecure and she mistakenly believes that you will complete her otherwise miserable and meaningless existence. Possessive and needy "significant others" are vapid, soul-sucking, psychic vampires and they must be dealt with in much the same way one would treat a malignant tumor: excision and, if necessary, chemotherapy. I know this may seem a bit harsh to you, but please bear in mind that merely dumping her will leave her at liberty to torture the next poor soul who crosses her path. For the good of all mankind, you must exercise the only realistic option available to you: excision. A chainsaw works well for this and a handy tutorial in its use can be found by viewing the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." If you feel that you're still in need of chemotherapy, try some Courvoisier and a Cuban cigar.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

It's Nothing Personal

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've noticed that a lot of chicks write to you to complain about their boyfriends or husbands, but I don't see many letters from guys complaining about their girlfriends or wives. Why is that? Anyway, I have a problem. My girlfriend is very possessive. She doesn't like it when I'm out of her sight for even an hour. I used to think it was flattering but now it just gets on my nerves. She doesn't like it when I hang out with some of my female friends, even though they're JUST friends that I've known for a long time. She e-mails me several times daily, phones dozens of times, text messages me continually and gets hysterical when I go out with my friends. She's not happy unless I'm with her twenty-four/seven. What can I do to assure her that I'm not cheating on her but need to be on my own sometimes?
-Smothering


Dear Smothering,
I hope you're not implying that I only respond to letters from women! I reply to each legitimate letter I receive, and I can assure you that, with regard to my column and the task with which I am charged, I treat all humans and non-humans equally. Except for Republicans.

It is possible that women submit more letters of a personal nature because of that whole "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" thing. For the most part, I think it's garbage, but I will concede that men and women communicate differently. Women are socialized to express their feelings while men are taught to hide them so as not to appear "weak." The beauty of this column is that men can feel free to vent their frustrations and innermost secrets and fears in complete anonymity.

Your girlfriend apparently feels inadequate and insecure and she mistakenly believes that you will complete her otherwise miserable and meaningless existence. Possessive and needy "significant others" are vapid, soul-sucking, psychic vampires and they must be dealt with in much the same way one would treat a malignant tumor: excision and, if necessary, chemotherapy. I know this may seem a bit harsh to you, but please bear in mind that merely dumping her will leave her at liberty to torture the next poor soul who crosses her path. For the good of all mankind, you must exercise the only realistic option available to you: excision. A chainsaw works well for this and a handy tutorial in its use can be found by viewing the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." If you feel that you're still in need of chemotherapy, try some Courvoisier and a Cuban cigar.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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