Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I recently moved to Arizona and temporarily got a place with a long-time friend. Something strange is going on here, though. Whenever I sleep, his poodle's ass talks to me. Sometimes it tells me to do things....like water the lawn. One time it told me I needed more calcium. I don't necessarily need to be sleeping either. Once at work, I was leaning up against a ladder daydreaming about Ruth Buzzi again and the dog appeared in a vision and told me Marlon Brando had just died. Sometimes the booty shows me visions I don't care to see either, like certain celebrities (who shall remain nameless) in compromising positions with children. Then I black out. I feel very strange when I see the dog during the day. I feel uncomfortable like I'll look at her the wrong way and she'll turn around real fast and her butt will say "f##k off." I feel uncomfortable around my roommate too. Sometimes I want to ask him if her butt talks to him too...Butt I'm scared to. What do I do?????
-Son of Sam's Ass


Dear SoSA,
Woof! Waaiwooleaaehh™! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear SoSA,
Wow! Talking Poodle-Asses™ are really rare, magical beings and only those with strong psychic abilities are able to hear them.

Whatever you do, do NOT antagonize the Poodle-Ass. They're usually rather mild mannered, but if provoked, they can become truly wicked adversaries. It seems that this particular Poodle-Ass feels that you are deserving of its tutelage, so you must not do anything to make it mistrust you. If I were you, I would welcome the visions, disturbing though they may be. Try to learn from them. Poodle-Asses won't usually just come out and tell you something in plain English. They speak in rhymes and visual images to only the most worthy souls. If I were you, I'd pick up "The Talking Poodle-Ass™ Interpretation Encyclopedia". You should feel honored to have been chosen for such contact; use the knowledge to make the world a better place. Guard that Poodle-Ass with your life and you will be rewarded many times over.
-Spiffy


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I recently moved to Arizona and temporarily got a place with a long-time friend. Something strange is going on here, though. Whenever I sleep, his poodle's ass talks to me. Sometimes it tells me to do things....likeæwater the lawn. One time it told me I needed more calcium. I don't necessarily need to be sleeping either. Once at work, I was leaning up against a ladder daydreaming about Ruth Buzzi again and the dog appeared in a vision and told me Marlon Brando had just died. Sometimes the booty shows me visions I don't care to see either, like certain celebrities (who shall remain nameless) in compromising positions with children. Then I black out. I feel very strange when I see the dog during the day. I feel uncomfortable like I'll look at her the wrong way and she'll turn around real fast and her butt will say "f##k off." I feel uncomfortable around my roommate too. Sometimes I want to ask him if her butt talks to him too...Butt I'm scared to. What do I do?????
-Son of Sam's Ass


Dear SoSA,
Woof! Waaiwooleaaehh™! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear SoSA,
Wow! Talking Poodle-Asses™ are really rare, magical beings and only those with strong psychic abilities are able to hear them.

Whatever you do, do NOT antagonize the Poodle-Ass. They're usually rather mild mannered, but if provoked, they can become truly wicked adversaries. It seems that this particular Poodle-Ass feels that you are deserving of its tutelage, so you must not do anything to make it mistrust you. If I were you, I would welcome the visions, disturbing though they may be. Try to learn from them. Poodle-Asses won't usually just come out and tell you something in plain English. They speak in rhymes and visual images to only the most worthy souls. If I were you, I'd pick up "The Talking Poodle-Ass™ Interpretation Encyclopedia". You should feel honored to have been chosen for such contact; use the knowledge to make the world a better place. Guard that Poodle-Ass with your life and you will be rewarded many times over.
-Spiffy


More Pet Peeves

Return to the Table of Contents