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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I have recently adopted a bird. Stevie is an African Grey parrot with a very melodious voice. Unfortunately, his previous owner was a longshoreman, and as a result, my pretty Stevie says nothing but a continuous string of expletives and swear words. While his creativity is impressive, I can no longer entertain guests for fear that Stevie will tell them to "f--- off, you c---------" or "eat my s---, you little d-------- m-----------." His Brooklyn accent only makes matters worse; it's as if I've adopted Andrew Dice Clay. Please, what can I do?
-R. S.
Ft. Wayne, IN
Dear R. S.,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear R. S.,
Brooklyn has long been a haven for ill-bred, ill-mannered creatures of all kinds. I have some associates from Brooklyn who are currently running an errand for me in the Washington, D.C. area. They're a tough bunch of characters and they use colorful language fairly frequently, but they're dependable and loyal and I trust them completely.
Parrots are extremely intelligent and they're easy to train, but I don't recommend teaching Stevie a whole new vocabulary; this will confuse him terribly. He may become psychotic and turn against you. As long as he's using the offending language in the proper context, I'd leave well enough alone. You will have to relocate to Brooklyn so that Stevie will be comfortable. I'm sure he'll be happy to tutor you in the verbiage appropriate to your new locale . When you become fluent in your new language, perhaps you can get your own HBO series.
-Spiffy
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