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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I have a family of mice living in my box spring. How can I discourage them from remaining there? I don't want to kill them.
-Walter
Dear Walter,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Walter,
Please don't discourage mice from taking up residence in your home. If there are enough of them, mice can keep you warm on cold nights and you can turn down the thermostat, thereby saving you money on your heating bills and reducing global warming. Mice are everywhere, and they see and hear everything that goes on around them. They listen to all human communication very intently and can quote conversations verbatim. They are naturally curious about the world and the people around them, and they are incurable gossips. They can't read, though, so if you want to keep a secret from a mouse, keep your confidences in writing.
Mice have made technological advances far beyond the capabilities of human communications and they are instantly able to impart information to other mice all over the world. For instance, Wall Street mice will give your mice stock tips, and your mice, in turn, will pass them on to you. Those who live at race tracks can give you up to date information about horse races and they can make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. This is all contingent upon your treatment of them, of course. If you open your home willingly to mice, they will reward you with valuable and untraceable "insider" information.
-Spiffy
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