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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I don't know if this in your area of expertise or not. My question is this: Precisely what is the best way of preserving human eyeballs? I have been collecting specimens for many years now, and it makes me cry (my eyes work fine) when I think of how many beautiful peepers I've lost to mold and/or fungus. To be honest, one of my major hurdles is that I can't settle down. The police (curse their hides) always seem to eventually track me down, and once again I must gather up my "babies" and high-tail it to greener pastures. Obviously my beloved orbs don't do well in the stuffy trunk of my Volvo bouncing around in mason jars. Why is society so narrow-minded? Why can't I follow my deepest hearts desire as it leads me to the harvesting of fresh, moist head-eggs (as I am fond of calling them)? Anyhow, storage is my big hurdle. My good buddy Luther (who collects big toes) suggested I try keeping them in cookie jars filled with maple syrup. I don't know.
Your adoring fan,
-The Happy Gouger
Dear Gouger,
Food storage has been the bane of my existence for many years. As I've mentioned before, the fresher the meat, the healthier it is. Most of my people live transient lives and have no access to refrigeration or chemical preservatives (although those are very toxic and MUST be used sparingly). When I make a kill, I always eat the eyes first, as those are the most perishable parts of a human corpse, and in my opinion, the tastiest. Fresh eyes are a treat not to be believed! I do, however, have a problem with "trophy hunters." In my opinion, those who do not make use of all the parts of a human are vile creatures. Am I correct in presuming that you are not a zombie? To kill a human and not use it for food is shamefully wasteful. In doing so, you are denying my people the best parts of the carcass and unless some of us are nearby when your killing spree has ended, the meat gets rancid and becomes infused with unwanted toxins and parasites. Even if you are not terminating the lives of these eyeball donors, you are depriving us of a favored snack - well, actually two - down the road. This is simply appalling! You really must begin collecting something more suitable. How do you feel about gall bladders?
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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