Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Remedial Serial Killing

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I was walking through the woods on a cold September night - a full moon it was. I stumbled upon a few bread crumbs leading to an old, haunted-looking house. I ate the crumbs because I was hungry and it was either the bread crumbs or my left arm. When I approached the house, an old lady opened the door. She asked if I would like to come in because I looked frail and weak from food deprivation. I accepted her invitation and sat down at the dinner table. She then fed me so much food -- it was so delicious -- from the fresh-from-the-oven cupcakes that melted in my mouth, to the whipped cream and sprinkles to the warm apple pie. Her house was filled with the aroma of candy on a Halloween night and sweet pumpkin scented candles. I thought I was in Heaven. I was finished eating and all was good, but then, from the corner of my eye I saw the old lady with some handcuffs and rope. Now when I saw this I thought she was either really kinky, or just wanted to kill me. It ends up that she wanted to eat me. I guess she could've eaten all that food she gave me, but noooo, she likes the other white meat. So, to make a long story short, I'm here in her house in a cage with a computer. I found your site and thought it would be of good use to ask for advice on how to escape this painful, upcoming death.
With much fright,
Natalie


Dear Natalie,
I know the woman of whom you speak. She's a dear old thing, though a bit loony these days. Her name is Desdemona Peake and while she aspires to be a "zombie", she is not a living dead entity of any kind. She has applied for membership in The League of the Living Dead dozens of times, but we can't accept her because she is a living, mortal human. Too bad, because she's loaded and she's promised to bequeath to us her entire fortune upon acceptance of her application. When she initially made contact with us, we sent recruiters to her home, but she is too old and would not make a good ghoul; she's physically too frail and would not be able to procure her own food for long. Although it's been suggested that we murder her just to gain control of her fortune, we at The League will not exploit demented senior citizens. She's a bit dotty since her last mini-stroke and it would be unethical and immoral to take advantage of her.

Desdemona's obsession with zombies began shortly after a late-night viewing of Fulci's "ZOMBIE" on cable TV, but her poor, addled brain got the whole living dead "lifestyle" illogically intertwined with the story of Hansel and Gretel. She's actually quite harmless and really needs companionship, so she may keep you in that cage for some time. It would be helpful if you sang to her. She was a much-loved elementary school music teacher before her position was eliminated in the wake of "No Child Left Behind" a.k.a. "Cut Funding for the Arts", and she's been rather embittered since then. At one time she was a fine musician, and frequently collaborated with Philip Glass in the early 80s.

Please be assured, Natalie, that Miss Peake means you no harm. I have no doubt that the two of you will become fast friends. She has no children of her own, and I'm certain that she will come to regard you as the daughter she never had.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Remedial Serial Killing

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I was walking through the woods on a cold September night - a full moon it was. I stumbled upon a few bread crumbs leading to an old, haunted-looking house. I ate the crumbs because I was hungry and it was either the bread crumbs or my left arm. When I approached the house, an old lady opened the door. She asked if I would like to come in because I looked frail and weak from food deprivation. I accepted her invitation and sat down at the dinner table. She then fed me so much food -- it was so delicious -- from the fresh-from-the-oven cupcakes that melted in my mouth, to the whipped cream and sprinkles to the warm apple pie. Her house was filled with the aroma of candy on a Halloween night and sweet pumpkin scented candles. I thought I was in Heaven. I was finished eating and all was good, but then, from the corner of my eye I saw the old lady with some handcuffs and rope. Now when I saw this I thought she was either really kinky, or just wanted to kill me. It ends up that she wanted to eat me. I guess she could've eaten all that food she gave me, but noooo, she likes the other white meat. So, to make a long story short, I'm here in her house in a cage with a computer. I found your site and thought it would be of good use to ask for advice on how to escape this painful, upcoming death.
With much fright,
Natalie


Dear Natalie,
I know the woman of whom you speak. She's a dear old thing, though a bit loony these days. Her name is Desdemona Peake and while she aspires to be a "zombie", she is not a living dead entity of any kind. She has applied for membership in The League of the Living Dead dozens of times, but we can't accept her because she is a living, mortal human. Too bad, because she's loaded and she's promised to bequeath to us her entire fortune upon acceptance of her application. When she initially made contact with us, we sent recruiters to her home, but she is too old and would not make a good ghoul; she's physically too frail and would not be able to procure her own food for long. Although it's been suggested that we murder her just to gain control of her fortune, we at The League will not exploit demented senior citizens. She's a bit dotty since her last mini-stroke and it would be unethical and immoral to take advantage of her.

Desdemona's obsession with zombies began shortly after a late-night viewing of Fulci's "ZOMBIE" on cable TV, but her poor, addled brain got the whole living dead "lifestyle" illogically intertwined with the story of Hansel and Gretel. She's actually quite harmless and really needs companionship, so she may keep you in that cage for some time. It would be helpful if you sang to her. She was a much-loved elementary school music teacher before her position was eliminated in the wake of "No Child Left Behind" a.k.a. "Cut Funding for the Arts", and she's been rather embittered since then. At one time she was a fine musician, and frequently collaborated with Philip Glass in the early 80s.

Please be assured, Natalie, that Miss Peake means you no harm. I have no doubt that the two of you will become fast friends. She has no children of her own, and I'm certain that she will come to regard you as the daughter she never had.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Remedial Serial Killing

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