The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Remedial Serial Killing
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've been stalking the same girl for three years and she still doesn't notice me. She's so oblivious to my existence that I need to do something special to get her attention. What do you suggest?
-Rullard
Dear Rullard,
I have a splashy suggestion for you: set yourself on fire. Women love that! You should approach her in a public place, preferably outside, where a large crowd is gathered. An arts festival, regatta or an outdoor concert would all be appropriate venues.
You don't want people to think you're a loser, so be prepared: nothing is more humiliating than having to ask a perfect stranger for a bullhorn, a can of gasoline and a match. Get everyone's attention by loudly proclaiming your love/obsession/sick need for this woman. When all eyes are on you, including hers, douse yourself with the gas and strike the match. Your spectacular feat of self-immolation will get the attention of your loved one (and CNN) and she will never forget you! She'll be on all the talk shows, day after day, and the stench of your burning flesh will linger in her nostrils long after the fire trucks have rolled away. While she is still vomiting in the street, and your smoldering carcass has been carried off to the morgue, we'll be there to ease your transition into an exciting afterlife. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More Remedial Serial Killing
Return to the Table of Contents
