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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
It has been a while since I resurrected. What is the best method for replacing the parts that I am starting to lose (teeth, fingers, etc.)?
-Soldier Zombie
Dear Soldier,
There's really no need to replace the parts you've lost; after all, you're not likely to enter any beauty contests, are you? The loss of a couple of fingers and/or teeth is almost to be expected. However, if it's beginning to hinder your pursuit of sustenance, you should probably get in touch with Gorrmog (big mansion, dark woods); his employer can undoubtedly fix you up in a jiffy. I can also offer a few suggestions in the prophylaxis department that will help prevent further degeneration. I've been un-dead for nearly 40 years now, and I still look as fresh as the day I was "born"; in fact, I've even gotten taller! I've extensively studied the rate of decay in others (I have compiled statistics and I've made some "pie" charts I can send to you if you're interested) and it has become abundantly clear to me that the fresher the meat we ingest, the less decay we suffer ourselves. It's best to avoid direct sunlight as well - no more basking on the beaches of Bora Bora! I prefer to hunt and dine in the evenings and very late at night. Try to keep yourself cool, too; heat is almost as bad as sunlight. Contrary to popular opinion, we zombies have very sensitive skin. You may want to try an aloe or cocoa butter moisturizer (with an SPF of 60, if possible and NEVER use an astringent; your skin will slough off like there's no tomorrow and you'll look just dreadful). A good moisturizer has two benefits: it's great for your complexion and it usually has a light, pleasant fragrance, so humans won't be immediately tipped off when you're in their vicinity. Surprise visits to humans are always the best, I think; you're less likely to be critically injured or assassinated when they don't know you're coming.
I know that carrion-eating is sometimes unavoidable and can be tasty, but do try to eat a large, fresh meal within the next two days after doing so. The toxins present in carrion inevitably lead to irreversible rot, and that can ultimately prove deadly to us. There really ought to be a handbook for our kind, but life for us just seems to be "trowel and error."
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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