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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Why are funerary cosmetics so darned expensive? It's bad enough that they're typically so loaded with overpowering, flowery scents that you smell like a walking bouquet, but the exorbitant prices charged by retailers for a can of Plasto or bottle of Trioxin make me want to scream and scream again. Where can I find reasonably-priced substitutes, or are there perhaps homeopathic alternatives of which you might be aware?
- M. M., Chicago
Dear M. M.,
Cosmetics of all types are expensive, but funerary cosmetics are the worst of the lot. The funeral business as a whole is the world's biggest racket because they cater to a captive audience, so to speak.
As I've stated before, many funeral directors are League members, and we like to make our clients look as stylish as possible before entering the glorious Realm of the Living Dead. Unfortunately, we have no control over the costs that we must incur in the course of doing business, and naturally, we have to pass those costs on to our customers.
We at The League are opposed to the use of invasive chemical procedures. These can hinder the corpse's ability to successfully reanimate and then we're left with a disabled revenant for whom we must care for the rest of its life. We would much rather induct active, self-reliant, dues-paying members into our union! Some topical preparations are rather caustic as well, and as you know, the flesh of a ghoul is naturally very sensitive. We prefer to use all-natural cosmetics or none at all.
Unless the appearance of the Living Dead Entity is going to compromise its ability to hunt, there is no reason for our people to wear any cosmetics. Lotions and sunscreens are necessary for the purposes of disguising our scent and protecting our skin, but foundation, blush and eye makeup are purely optional, and can be purchased very cheaply at any drug store. For those in the union with gaping wounds and running sores, we recommend corrective surgery at one of our surgical centers. As you can imagine, there is sometimes quite a long waiting list for appointments, and in those cases, a needle and thread, band-aids and super glue are fine stop-gap measures when one is faced with the potential loss of a body part.
I was very fortunate not to have sustained any facial injuries during my transformation, and I can get by with the bare minimum of cosmetics. I have very dark circles under my eyes, and because most people seem to like them, I no longer cover them. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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