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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I suffer from a recurring rash that causes my skin to flake off at the most inopportune moments. I was mortified (pardon the pun) when, at a recent dinner function, large strips of my cheek began to slough away. I was forced to resort to Krazy Glue and had to make a hasty apology to my hosts. Are you familiar with this particular disorder, and what - if anything - can I do about it? This is becoming extremely embarrassing. Thanks in advance for your assistance.
-Peeling in Peoria
Dear Peeling,
From your letter, I couldn't tell whether you're alive or dead, but I have advice for both scenarios. You either have an advanced case of necrotizing fasciitis or you're simply decomposing. Either way, you're in no real danger. If you're alive, you'll soon die an excruciating death and then reanimate. The ease with which you transform depends on the chemicals present in your bloodstream and in your brain. Narcotics delay the process and decay sets in rapidly. Do yourself a favor and decline the offer of painkillers. It shouldn't take more than six or seven days of continuous agony before you're blissfully reborn a better person.
If you're already dead, all you really need in your medicine cabinet are two things: a can of WD-40 and a roll of duct tape. When your skin is dry, it's a good idea to give it a squirt of WD-40 to keep it soft and pliable. If your flesh falls off in large chunks, just wrap some tape around the affected area until you can see a specialist. In extreme cases, a dab of J. B. Weld works wonders, but throw some tape over it to keep it in place while the epoxy cures. These are only temporary measures, mind you; it's important to seek professional medical attention for these issues. A little decomposition isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you start losing limbs, your ability to hunt will be impaired.
When kept within safe parameters, decay can be very sexy, but you'll want to keep an eye on your diet and be mindful of environmental factors such as excessive ultraviolet light, automotive emissions and acid rain.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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